Time Flies..

My head is spinning! I can’t believe I moved into my apartment 5 days ago. I have no idea where the time went, it’s all a blur. I’ve been so incredibly busy that it’s hard to keep the days straight, and classes haven’t even started yet. I’m exhausted, and I’m 100% booked for the next week, but maybe it will calm down after that.

Work is crazy and they have me for 30 hours this week to get all my training done. After this week I should be doing only 2 days a week at the restaurant, and picking up extra work over at the pizza joint (they gave me a raise when I said I would grab occasional shifts!) I’m really nervous about validating on Friday (serving the managers). I want to do well and impress them but it’s my first waitressing job so I feel like there’s still going to be so much I don’t know by then. Oh dear, in a few months I’ll have it all down like the back of my hand, but right now it’s scary.

Eating has been going consistently pretty well. I’ve been so busy that there’s really no time to think about food! I eat my meals (never skipping) and then don’t think about it afterwards. Not having the free time to sit around and think about food has been such a major help. These past days I’ve just been eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m done, and moving on with life. Giving food the amount of attention it deserves and nothing more feels so freeing.

Seeing everyone since coming back in town has also been a great self esteem boost. Last year I was so painfully antisocial and anxiety-ridden when I was around others that I couldn’t enjoy company. This year already seems worlds better. I have had a great time catching up with people, and I already have two lunch dates this week with two different guys! 😉 One is just a friend who’s taking a grad class this fall. He needed someone to go to lunch with on Tues/Thur after he gets out of class at 10:45am. I happen to also get out of class at 10:45am so we decided that I would be his lunch buddy on the first day of classes. However, my other lunch “date” is with the guy I like! He still has the gf, so it’s not an actual date. But it is the first time that we are seeing each other since I moved in ,and I’m really looking forward to it. It actually took us a few days to even get in contact with one another, but our phone conversation yesterday was fantastic. It flowed so easily, like we’d been hanging out all summer. I’ll make sure to post about our lunch on Wednesday.

Today’s agenda: Sit around the apartment until 3:30pm relaxing/studying the pub menu. 4pm till ??? I’ll be at the pub training. Then my lovely friend Brendan is going to walk me home to my apartment where we’ll be able to catch up. Hopefully I’ll be in bed by midnight or soon after because I have an early morning tomorrow, first day of classes and I have an 8am! This is going to be one ridiculous semester.

-Emma K.

Quick Little Update Post

Hey everyone! I’m officially all moved into the apartment with only a few things still to get. We moved in on Wednesday and although it was exhausting it went very smoothly. Yesterday was my first day at my new Irish pub job. Not much to report on yesterday, future shifts are sure to be more exciting. They basically own my life though for the next 10 days because we need to get (NINE) training shifts done with ASAP. I’m doing a double today (11am training/5pm training), a total of roughly 30 training hours, 12 serving hours, and I think I’m also going to be picking up 10 extra hours at my old job on top of that just to stay on their good side because I loved them and feel bad for quitting, even though I know waitressing is a HUGE step up salary-wise.

My first two waitressing shifts are going to be ridiculous: saturday dinner & sunday brunch. Saturday dinner their going to only have me on a two table section (I’ll only get like half the tips, but fine by me… two tables on a Saturday will be crazy enough when this if my first waitressing shift ever). Oddly enough, out of the four girls training yesterday, I have the least experience, but I’m the first one to do a serving shift on my own. Gotta prove myself! Also found out that they have a gigantic stack of applications and only hired 4 people, so I am beyond lucky that I got this job, especially with no experience. I have no idea how it happened, but I’m looking forward to working hard and showing them that hiring me was the right thing to do. Everyone there seemed super nice also, major plus. More pub updates to come in the future.

Food wise, first two days in the apartment were fantastic. I’ve been so busy that there was barely any time to think about food! No late night bingeing temptations. In fact, at home I usually have a nighttime snack every night, the first two days in the apartment I didn’t. I was satisfied with my dinners, quickly changed course and thought about things that weren’t food, and stayed busy until I went to bed. I think that at home I felt like my PM snack was something to look forward to, something fun about my day. But now since I have so much going on the only time I eat is when it really dawns on me that I’m hungry. Of course, I’m making all these statements based on only two days in the apartment, but still… I think that this will remain (mostly) true for the entire year.

Well just thought I would check in. I’m do fantastic, working hard already even though classes don’t even start until Tuesday, and having a great time. The next two weeks are going to be crazy between getting through waitress training, picking up extra shifts at the calzone shop, starting classes, and jumping into club exec board duties. Come mid-September things will calm down, I’ll get into a more steady routine, and I’ll be able to post about one or two days at a time instead of 5-7. But until then, I’ll do general updates.

Stay positive girls! And remember, that you are always exceptional. I don’t know of finer women than the ones in the blogging community, and you all prove that every single time that I post. I thank you again for all your support. I look forward to talking to you soon.

Emma K.

Hello, My Name is Emma, and I’ve Been a Bad Blogger

Hello beauties!

Do you hate me? Oh god, I’m awful. Leaving you all like that for so long without even a warning! Ugh, please forgive me. I’m so sorry. As the title clearly states, I’ve been a bad blogger. Life was crazy in August w/ my job and volunteering, and I guess I thought that there wasn’t enough time for blogging but that I would get back to it ASAP. Well the problem with that is, when I go on unannounced breaks I’m always afraid to come back because I feel like I’ll have a million angry comments asking me where I’ve been and why I’m letting the blog go. But, after reading some very kind emails and comments I realized that you all are the most fabulous, understanding, caring people in the world. Yet another reason why you all deserve the best. Love you ALL!!! Hope you are all doing well and staying strong and healthy.

Soooo, lets sit and gab, ladies! It’s GIRL CHAT TIME! Shall we catch up??

Oh dear, I need to stop these unannounced hiatuses just so I don’t end up doing these super long posts! They must be daunting to read. 😛

My life is about to turn upside down. I’m going back to school on Wednesday (one day stands between me and the next school year) and SO many things are running through my head. Here are all the new things I have coming at me this year:

• New Apartment: Finally leaving the dorm! New apartment, 2 bedroom-2 bathroom-kitchen-living room-private laundry shared with one other girl, which means PRIVATE ROOM AND PRIVATE BATH. Hello, girl’s heaven?!?
  
• New Roommate: Never had a roommate before in two years of college (which is convenient at times, but actually extremely lonely) and now, not only do I have a roomie, but it’s my best friend at school. She’s vegetarian, like me; nutrition major, like me; foodie, like me; and we’re basically a perfect match.
• New classes, 4 out of 5 classes are nutrition (two of them are super boring and about running cafeterias, but the other two are cool) and one online course. My schedule is very easy this semester, which is a blessing because I have a…
• New Job!: Drove two hours to school last Thursday, applied to a few restaurants, got hired on the spot as a waitress at my 4th stop, and turned right around and drove home. It took me an hour to find a job, with NO waitressing experience. I have no idea how I did it! I can only imagine that the manager thought that I was cute and had a good personality, so he thought he’d take a chance on me. I’m super lucky. My first day is Thursday (the day after I move in). Wish me luck! Any experienced waitresses out there have any words of advice?
• New responsibilities: I’m the Newsletter Chair of the Nutrition & Dietetics Club and the Vice President of Supportive Services for the Eating Disorder Awareness Committee. These are both brand new positions to me, I was elected to these titles at the very end of Sophomore Spring semester and haven’t had to do anything for them yet.

So much! Really exciting, right? But there’s also some scary things about starting a new year:

• Fear: I’m scared of falling prey to my inner demons again. I’m scared of letting the stress of school and work get to me and ruin me again. I’m scared of slipping back into old habits. It’s hard for me to remember memories of school from before I was depressed. When I think of school, I automatically think of Sophomore year, which was the most painful time of my life. I’m afraid that I associate school with depression and bingeing now, and that summer was only successful because I was home. Going back to an environment that is potentially destructive is scary.
• Doubt: What if I’m not ready? What if I didn’t do all that I could this summer? What if I’m not prepared for going back to school? So much doubt accompanies embarking on a new situation.
  
• Hesitation: I really like a guy at school, but he has a girlfriend so I can’t pursue anything. (I’m a classy broad, like the rest of you, and we don’t chase taken men!… We just secretly wish they’d open their eyes and see us! 😉 ) But when I seriously think about dating him, or any guy, I start thinking about the unresolved issues from my first (and last) relationship that still haunt me. I wonder if I can ever be with someone if I have these issues following me into my next relationship.

No wonder I have felt so uneasy this past week. So much is changing in my life and there are some possible MAJOR challenges facing me, it’s pretty intense. I’ve been emotionally more uneasy this week, and I will admit I did overeat on several occasions. But, I never binged and I’m keeping my head up! I think the anticipation is scarier than what’s actually facing me,and that I will have a VERY good school year.
But, hello, can we talk about packing for an apartment…

It’s insanity! I haven’t even packed clothing yet! That’s the last thing because it’s going to be the hardest part.. it’s the activity for the momma and me tomorrow night. I absolutely hate packing but I looooove moving in! I really enjoy starting up fresh, setting up my own environment, and kicking off a new school year with a perfectly organized living space.

So in the spirit of starting a new school year and “starting fresh”, here are my goals for fall semester:

1. Maintain a healthy, balanced, adequate, and not perfect diet along with a fitness plan that works with my schedule.
2. Excel at my new job.
3. Keep my personal space clean, organized, and peaceful.
4. Maintain or exceed my current GPA.
5. Make new friendships and reach out to people. Be social and have fun.
6. Maintain habits that help me destress (because stress is a major trigger for bingeing) including yoga, reading fiction books, cooking & baking, journaling, blogging, getting massages, etc.
7. Keep a conscious check on myself, listen to myself and my thoughts, and honor myself not punish myself.
8. Actively pursue happiness and try not to dwell on feelings of sadness, stress, or loneliness.

The best part about my list?? That it doesn’t include statements like..

• This fall I will lose 10 lbs.
• This fall I will exercise 6 days a week for an hour each day.
• This fall I will eat no junk food.
• This fall I will get a boyfriend.

These are not realistic goals. Their superficial and, to be honest, not very motivating. I get more excited about embarking on a new year looking at my real list of goals than looking at these lame goals. I am so much more than the food I eat, the calories I burn, and the number of dates I go on. With this in mind, I know that my junior year will far outshine my sophomore year.

Are you experiencing new changes in your life? New school year, new job, new relationships? Does it excite you or scare you? No matter what the challenges are that face you, remember that you can tackle them! You are beautiful, strong, and smart. Obstacles can’t stop you, they only make stronger. When you feel the need to turn to unhealthy food and exercise habits as a way to deal with life’s difficult moments, take a moment, breathe, and realize that there are more options out there. A fabulous woman, like yourself, needs options.. and honey, the food & exercise obsession option has not been working. So take a walk with a friend, call family, wrap yourself up with a book a blanket and a cup of tea. Do whatever you can to keep yourself healthy and sane.

I hope that was a good post and not just a ramble! If you’ve made it all the way to here, you’re amazing. And I promise that I will get back into the blogging world on a more routine schedule. I’m hoping that amongst all the madness of this year, I can blog a few times a week. Knowing all of you are there is the best motivation of all, because my blog sisters are fabulous.

Your Friend,

Emma K.

Going Beyond the Size on the Tag

Hi everyone!

I am quite pleased to announce that I am still going strong and doing well. 🙂 This next week is my last week volunteering at the hospital and I can count the days that I have left at the restaurant on one hand. I can’t even begin to describe how excited this makes me, and how desperate I am to get to the finish line, enjoy 7 days of peace & quiet, and then ship off to the new apartment.

I did some shopping last weekend with my mom, and it went really well. I got a ton of jeans (old navy = jean heaven) and a couple of tops. Jeans shopping is always really tough for me. Jeans are what frustrate me, upset me, and make me shed tears in the dressing room, but not this time! I reasoned with myself and went beyond the size. I said to myself “It doesn’t matter what the size is, it matters that they look good on you. No one knows the size of your jeans but they can tell when you’re spilling over the top of them or when you’re swimming in them. I went in with a clear purpose and focus… get what makes YOU look great, don’t dwell on the size. This was the first real big shopping trip I had done in a year. The last time I shopped like this I was a size 1 from obsessive exercising and under-eating last summer. I didn’t know how it would go. So many thoughts were running through my head:

Would I regret not being the size that I was last summer? Would I hate myself for not being skinnier and end up running home to the kitchen cabinets, drowning my fears of being inadequate by bingeing? Would all my hard work go to waste when I ended up crying because a pair of jeans wouldn’t zip and I just positively could not STAND going up one more size?

Luckily I ended up not giving the sizes on the pants any value beyond silly numbers, I did not get worked up, and I recognized that I am actually much healthier looking now than I was last summer.

In fact, I was cleaning out my room this week and decided to throw out the last of my old clothes from last summer. It shocked me how small some of the things were. They looked like children’s clothes! Not something a 20 year old should be wearing. No room for hips or butt or breast… just a little stick. It’s a huge relief to know that the impossibly thin me is not something to desire or glorify. It was unhealthy and it was a major factor in my binge eating disorder and depression. I never want to look like that again, I’ll take a shapelier healthier happier figure over some boring pole any day!

Now, on to more frivolous topics…

I saw Julie & Julia today with my mom.

It was adorable! Meryl Streep did an outstanding job taking on the role of Julia Child, and Amy Adams was charming (as always). I loved seeing the two stories intertwined but never meeting. Taking a look into Julia Child’s personal life was really interesting, and Meryl Streep had some hilarious, laugh-out loud moments with the character. Plus, I just loved the absolute passion for food and cooking that the two stories had. I think that cooking is a beautiful form of expression and creativity, making something exquisite from individual ingredients that are rather bland or unappealing on their own. To think, that for years of my life I have stressed over food, restricted food, called it “good” or “bad” based on calories and fat grams, and did everything in my power to pick apart at one of the most pleasurable parts of our life. Food is love. Food is an experience. Food is beautiful. I will never be afraid of food again. Instead I will enjoy every bite of my life, as Julia Child did until she died at 91. (I think the cooking and the eating kept her going!)

In music, I’m currently obsessed with Kings of Leon. Love, love, love. Their new song “Use Somebody” is fantastic, but I really enjoy rocking out to “Sex on Fire” (both from their album Only By the Night)

I finished the books I was reading last week (Twilight and HP #1), and have since started New Moon, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and have acquired HP #2 but haven’t started. It was hard reading this week when I was busy, but I’m going to try to fit it in when I can because I really enjoy it! Here’s how I felt about my first two summer reads:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Even better than I remembered, J.K. Rowling does a marvelous job of combining suspense, adventure, humor, and magic. She takes care in creating her characters, bringing depth and dimensions to each and every one. She also is a genius for creating a wizard world with it’s own school, bank system, sporting games, vocabulary, etc. It’s so far removed from the human world, it’s almost unbelievable that one person could dream of all this. I can’t wait to read the rest!

Twilight

A fairly interesting storyline with intriguing characters, but poorly written and repetitious. The author used the same words over and over again (beautiful, incredulous, dazzling) and they quickly became trite and annoying. Bella is simply foolish, falling hard for a vampire and then wanting to devote her entire life to him while she barely even knows him, but she does have some endearing moments and a few good sarcastic remarks. Edward is the only reason why Stephanie Meyer should have gotten this book deal, she did a superb job of depicting a creature conflicted between love and nature, unsure of whether or not it can care for something it’s tempted to eat. Edward is the reason why I am continuing on with the series (plus I hear they get pretty steamy… and I bet vampire sex is a spectacle!) One major disappointment: the big showdown between Edward and the bad vampire James was NOT played out in the book! Bella gets thrown against a wall, blacks out, and wakes up in a hospital. WHAT?!?! If vampires are gonna unleash their deadly side, tell me about it! HUGE bummer.

After reading the book, I watched the movie Twilight. Horrible. I didn’t think the actors could really portray the roles well enough, the script seemed to be very messy and all over the place, leaving out key pieces of dialog and interactions that make the romance more plausible, and I thought that their attempt at artistic imagery actually made the movie look cheesy. I recommend the book over the movie, by far.

Plans on my agenda for the rest of the weekend? Well tonight I am going to read (if my tired eyes can manage), do some blog reading, and eat a juicy peach (been craving one all day). Tomorrow I am going shopping while everyone hits the beach (a good distraction from my medication induced skin sensitivity.) I plan on doing some major damage at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and Old Navy to name a few. A girl deserves rewards for working hard all summer! I’m hoping to hunt down a pair of white jeans (maybe with a little distressing detail), but I’m nervous about the pale skin/white jean combination. What do you all think? Can my pale skin pull off some rockin’ white denim?? Other things on the shopping list:

Feminine Dresses

Flirty Skirts

and Pretty Tops

Wish me luck with my shopping trip! Hopefully I’ll come home with tons of loot to tell you all about.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Take care and remember to eat with care. ❤

Stepping Stones and Milestones

Hi everyone! Hope you had a wonderful week. I have.

I continue to do better with each day, slowly it becomes easier to look in the mirror, easier to judge myself in a fair and reasonable light, and easier to live life without focusing on food.

I started reading two books this week, which has helped tremendously with refocusing my attention away from food. I can sit and read for hours and not think about food. I’m reading Twilight (don’t hate me! my friend convinced me to read it) and I’m rereading Harry Potter from the first book because I only made it through the first four,  years and years ago. Twilight is pretty good, I think the storyline is intriguing and I love the chemistry between the two lead characters, but the author is awful. She uses the same words over and over again… it’s hard to not shake my head sometimes at how unoriginal she seems. Harry Potter is, of course, captivating. I’m at the part now where they just got sorted into houses and had their first day of classes… I’m so far behind! That must feel ancient to people who read all 7 books.

I’ve only been to the gym once this week, but I’m not overly concerned. I’m so busy on my feet 12 hours a week at the hospital and 20+ hours a week at the restaurant, that I feel like it makes up for some of my lack of gym. Last week I tried to go to the gym 4-5 times a week while doing my crazy schedule, and it led to me crashing and burning… feeling exhausted and eating way too much candy on my Friday night shift. This week, since I didn’t push myself 110% I did not crash and burn. I’m tired, yes, but my shift at work tonight came and went without too much candy consumption 😉 I realize now that pushing myself and ignoring my body is absurd and harmful. A work out is never as important as my sleep, my relationships with others, and my happiness.

Another realization this week: I need to stop telling my body how big or little it should be. How would my mind know better than my body? That’s one organ working against a beautiful, perfectly constructed, interconnecting system. That seems just silly. I need to see where my body natural falls with how I eat (now that I am only very rarely bingeing). I naturally eat a fairly balanced and nutritious diet, so wherever my body decides to stay-put is where it belongs. I know now, that if my superficial imaginary “perfect size” is lower than my natural weight I will have to restrict myself my entire life, and focus all of my attention on getting to that size and staying there. Doesn’t that sound like a miserable existence. Don’t you see? Acquiring some unnatural weight doesn’t set you up for  a happy, blissful life.. it sets you up to calorie count and be a slave to the scale for the rest of your life, always obsessing over every bite and every calorie burned. What I need to do is be happy with where I am, buy clothes for that size, and be comfortable with myself. You know what happens then? I will generally always fit into those clothes, I won’t have to worry whether or not my jeans will button or if it’s ice cream & sweatpants or lettuce & desperately chasing the “skinny” dress in my closet. I can just live! Put on the clothes, walk out the door, and not think about it again. Doesn’t that sound like a happy life?? Certainly happier than the other option.

I feel closer than ever to finally breaking through the size & number restraints and embracing myself for every beautiful imperfection that makes me who I am. I’ve also finally come to the conclusion that the weight I was at in the beginning of fall semester was VERY unhealthy for me, another big step. All fall semester I so painfully wanted to get back to that exact size, then in spring semester I thought it wasn’t possible anymore,  made up another silly number that I needed to get to, but I secretly felt remorse over my lost “skinny self”. When I look back now, I see that the body I had in the fall was the body of a 13 year old girl! Not a twenty year old woman. I shouldn’t look that way, and I no longer want to look that way. I am so very proud of how far I have come.

So yea, that’s where I’m at now. Doing well, doing well. Counting the days until I’m done working/volunteering and terribly excited for the new school year. Then something happened today that made me even more anxious to get back to school… I talked to this guy from my college. We met just one month before the end of the semester, but really hit it off. We have great chemistry, we both love to talk, love to eat, and are quite sarcastic. Right off the bat we were acting like we’d known each other for much longer, and we were completely comfortable with one another. We hadn’t talked all summer because he was really busy, but we finally got on the phone together today and talked for an hour and a half. The chemistry was still there… too bad he has a gf. But he doesn’t seem to think it’ll be lasting much longer (they’ve only been together for a few months). I would never EVER pursue anything with him unless he was 100% single, if he stays with the gf that’s great because it means she’s a wonderful girl… but if things don’t work out, I wouldn’t be heart broken either, 😉 . We’ll see how things go, time will only tell, but he’s one reason to look forward to this semester. I honestly think it will be my best one yet. And… if we had such great chemistry when I was down and in a funk, I can’t even imagine what we’ll be like now that my true self is starting to shine again.

BUT, in the meantime, I have 25 more days and although I wish they would just pass in a heartbeat, I also know that every single day I have before I leave is another day to improve myself (mentally, NOT another day to lose weight… like so many summers in the past), another day to become stronger, more self-assured, and more prepared for another year.

I’m really feeling optimistic everyone. I’m not bluffing! It feels SO much better than being insecure. Why didn’t I find this out sooner?