This week was hectic between exams, classes, homework, and just feeling down emotionally. Whenever I think about all the things I’m doing and all the things I have yet to do, my head starts to spin. I start to feel like there are literally things spinning around in my head and I can’t keep up. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately and it’s been hard to deal with. I haven’t binged in response to it, so we’ve still gotten somewhere, but I’m not without my issues.
So I set up an appointment at the counseling center at my school. I went yesterday. The woman I saw was absolutely amazing and we really hit it off. What surprised me was home much she thought I needed help. In the first 10 minutes of sitting down and talking she told me with a concerned face that she was “so happy I came in today” and she had no idea how I “kept it all together“. I’m quick to tell myself that my problems aren’t that bad, not as a defense mechanism, but more of a general disbelief that my problems are bad. If my problems were bad then I would deserve attention and help, and I never really feel like I deserve those things.
But then.. as I listened to my session… it really does sound like I have a lot going on. We touched on so many topics: my dad’s roller coaster ride with cancer, where one day I’m contacting my adviser to find out the protocol for how to tell professors about a parent’s death.. then a week later he’s out of the hospital and “doing fine” ; my feelings of inadequacy in my major and the extreme pressure I put my self under, even when I’m at a 3.5 GPA ; the beginning stages of detachment and isolation from friends ; a recurring relationship with a guy who’s nothing like the guy I want, but it’s safe and comfortable so I do it anyway ; some feelings of incompetence living in a campus where the girls are all so gorgeous (my college is known for the beautiful girls.. all blonde and so many are very thin)..
And there were still some things I left out. So I guess that when I put it down on paper, it looks like I am dealing with a lot. But I still feel like my problems can’t be that bad, because, in the past, I’ve been told by people very close to me that my problems aren’t important and people go through worse things.. so I need to “suck it up”. Because of that, I always feel like my problems aren’t difficult, it’s just that I’m too weak to deal with the very minor things I’m going through. However, my therapist seemed to think my problems weren’t minor at all. She actually immediately said that I need to be put on the list for psychiatric care and medication (which I won’t get till winter break because the school psychiatric office is so backed up), and she set us up for another appointment right after Thanksgiving.
I called my mom afterwards and she was upset. She’s happy that I’m smart enough to seek help before things get too bad. She’s also happy that I think about my problems in a very objective manner, so I share everything with the therapist right away because if you have a problem and you’re too embarrassed to mention it.. it won’t get fixed, and that defeats the purpose of therapy. But, it’s really distressing to her that her daughter needs anti-depressants. It’s weird to think.. when did this happen. When did I become depressed? What happened that turned me down this road? No one expects this for their child or themselves, but it happens. I wish that it wasn’t so difficult to be happy, or even content.. but maybe it will be easy easier with medication. Maybe a huge part of this is my brain chemistry.
The answers to all my questions will come in time… but there is one thing I know. I am so happy for some things..
- I’m happy that I have no problems with seeking therapy and medication. I know it’s difficult and scary for some people to tackle their issues head-on, but I think it’s the best way to heal.
- I’m happy that I have supportive friends. I have told some of my friends about yesterday’s therapy and they’ve all been so happy that I went. They all think it’s great that I’m getting help and they all want the best for me.
- I’m happy that I have a very close relationship with my mom. She knows about everything. I don’t hide any part of this from her, and it helps so much. She’s very supportive and so loving. I have the best mom in the world (not to knock all your moms (; )
Well, I don’t know what else to say, but I think I’ve said a lot, lol. I love that the blog provides an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I’m sure I’ll be back soon, hope you will be too!