Hi everyone! Hope you had a wonderful week. I have.
I continue to do better with each day, slowly it becomes easier to look in the mirror, easier to judge myself in a fair and reasonable light, and easier to live life without focusing on food.
I started reading two books this week, which has helped tremendously with refocusing my attention away from food. I can sit and read for hours and not think about food. I’m reading Twilight (don’t hate me! my friend convinced me to read it) and I’m rereading Harry Potter from the first book because I only made it through the first four, years and years ago. Twilight is pretty good, I think the storyline is intriguing and I love the chemistry between the two lead characters, but the author is awful. She uses the same words over and over again… it’s hard to not shake my head sometimes at how unoriginal she seems. Harry Potter is, of course, captivating. I’m at the part now where they just got sorted into houses and had their first day of classes… I’m so far behind! That must feel ancient to people who read all 7 books.
I’ve only been to the gym once this week, but I’m not overly concerned. I’m so busy on my feet 12 hours a week at the hospital and 20+ hours a week at the restaurant, that I feel like it makes up for some of my lack of gym. Last week I tried to go to the gym 4-5 times a week while doing my crazy schedule, and it led to me crashing and burning… feeling exhausted and eating way too much candy on my Friday night shift. This week, since I didn’t push myself 110% I did not crash and burn. I’m tired, yes, but my shift at work tonight came and went without too much candy consumption 😉 I realize now that pushing myself and ignoring my body is absurd and harmful. A work out is never as important as my sleep, my relationships with others, and my happiness.
Another realization this week: I need to stop telling my body how big or little it should be. How would my mind know better than my body? That’s one organ working against a beautiful, perfectly constructed, interconnecting system. That seems just silly. I need to see where my body natural falls with how I eat (now that I am only very rarely bingeing). I naturally eat a fairly balanced and nutritious diet, so wherever my body decides to stay-put is where it belongs. I know now, that if my superficial imaginary “perfect size” is lower than my natural weight I will have to restrict myself my entire life, and focus all of my attention on getting to that size and staying there. Doesn’t that sound like a miserable existence. Don’t you see? Acquiring some unnatural weight doesn’t set you up for a happy, blissful life.. it sets you up to calorie count and be a slave to the scale for the rest of your life, always obsessing over every bite and every calorie burned. What I need to do is be happy with where I am, buy clothes for that size, and be comfortable with myself. You know what happens then? I will generally always fit into those clothes, I won’t have to worry whether or not my jeans will button or if it’s ice cream & sweatpants or lettuce & desperately chasing the “skinny” dress in my closet. I can just live! Put on the clothes, walk out the door, and not think about it again. Doesn’t that sound like a happy life?? Certainly happier than the other option.
I feel closer than ever to finally breaking through the size & number restraints and embracing myself for every beautiful imperfection that makes me who I am. I’ve also finally come to the conclusion that the weight I was at in the beginning of fall semester was VERY unhealthy for me, another big step. All fall semester I so painfully wanted to get back to that exact size, then in spring semester I thought it wasn’t possible anymore, made up another silly number that I needed to get to, but I secretly felt remorse over my lost “skinny self”. When I look back now, I see that the body I had in the fall was the body of a 13 year old girl! Not a twenty year old woman. I shouldn’t look that way, and I no longer want to look that way. I am so very proud of how far I have come.
So yea, that’s where I’m at now. Doing well, doing well. Counting the days until I’m done working/volunteering and terribly excited for the new school year. Then something happened today that made me even more anxious to get back to school… I talked to this guy from my college. We met just one month before the end of the semester, but really hit it off. We have great chemistry, we both love to talk, love to eat, and are quite sarcastic. Right off the bat we were acting like we’d known each other for much longer, and we were completely comfortable with one another. We hadn’t talked all summer because he was really busy, but we finally got on the phone together today and talked for an hour and a half. The chemistry was still there… too bad he has a gf. But he doesn’t seem to think it’ll be lasting much longer (they’ve only been together for a few months). I would never EVER pursue anything with him unless he was 100% single, if he stays with the gf that’s great because it means she’s a wonderful girl… but if things don’t work out, I wouldn’t be heart broken either, 😉 . We’ll see how things go, time will only tell, but he’s one reason to look forward to this semester. I honestly think it will be my best one yet. And… if we had such great chemistry when I was down and in a funk, I can’t even imagine what we’ll be like now that my true self is starting to shine again.
BUT, in the meantime, I have 25 more days and although I wish they would just pass in a heartbeat, I also know that every single day I have before I leave is another day to improve myself (mentally, NOT another day to lose weight… like so many summers in the past), another day to become stronger, more self-assured, and more prepared for another year.
I’m really feeling optimistic everyone. I’m not bluffing! It feels SO much better than being insecure. Why didn’t I find this out sooner?