Monthly Archives: July 2009

Knock Knock, Who’s There?

Me! It’s been a week now?! (A little more actually) Feels like this blog absence has been sooo much longer! Here’s a recap and an explanation:

  1. My dad is OK! He’s home, gets fluids from a bag that he wheels around w/ him for 8 hours a day. He went to NYC last week to meet with a carcinoid tumor expert and it was VERY encouraging. We’re getting a follow-up sometime this week. He does however have a blood clot that is leading to a nasty swollen foot/leg situation. That was bad, but now his other foot is swollen?!? Oh dear, this man NEVER catches a break! We’ll be calling the doctor on Monday to inform him of this new swollen predicament. But he really is doing a lot better.
  2. I am OK. My week spent blog-free was NOT because I went on a crazy, manic, bingeing spree. I’ve been doing fairly well for the most part. No big tailspins or freak outs.
  3. I am, however, crazy busy! This week was my first week volunteering at the hospital. I did 12 hours (4 hour shifts M/W/F) on top of 23 hours at work, and will continue to follow this schedule for the next three weeks. It could, quite possibly, kill me, but I gotta do it! This girl’s got a lot of goals to meet, and getting this volunteering gig is going to be a HUGE advantage on my resume so I just have to keep my eye on the prize!

This week was BEYOND exhausting and quite stressful.. the two emotions that send me straight to bingeing. I faired well until Friday, but on Friday I kind of fell apart a bit. After a few days of not adequately fueling my body for all the work it was doing I was hitting a breaking point. However, instead of resting like I should have, on Friday I decided to go to the gym in between my 4 hours at the hospital and 5 hours at the restaurant. Bad idea! I should have listened to my body. I didn’t enjoy my workout AT ALL, I didn’t leave myself enough time to eat dinner so I ended up bringing it into the kitchen and sneaking quick bites when I could (talk about rushing through a meal and not enjoying it!), and I snacked on a LOT of candy to get me through the night. When I came home I ate a little more, but I did not binge. Woohoo! It was a tough way to end my week, but I didn’t let it totally get me down and I didn’t fall prey to my bingeing thoughts, even though they seemed so damn tempting at the time.

Needless to say, between 12 hours at the hospital, 20+ hours at the restaurant, 4-5 workouts per week, and having some sort of life there doesn’t seem to be much time for blogging in the month ahead. I’m not going to stop my blog, because I could very well decide tomorrow that I feel like blogging nonstop again! But, I’ll probably only be able to post every couple of days now (not a perfect blog, but doesn’t that kind of fit with the theme? πŸ˜‰ ) I also won’t be taking pictures of everything I eat because there’s just not enough time! But if I make something fantastic, you better believe I’ll document it so I can make you drool all over your keyboard!

Another reason to not take pictures of all my food is that I want my blog to reflect the journey I am trying to take in my own life, and it includes giving food the attention is deserves, no more. Food is one component of my life. It is not my life, and my food choices are NOT the biggest reflection of who I am (can you say mental progress?! Yay!) So I’m really going to spend more time talking about how I’m doing emotion wise/self-esteem wise and mention food in an appropriate manor, as a delicious little tidbit of my day… not the main focus. I’m kind of excited about it! I personally love reading food blogs, but for me.. writing a blog is going to help me if it’s NOT a food blog but more of a ME blog, and honey… I have so much more to offer than the food on my plate and a number on a scale!

What can you look forward to seeing in the future on the blog?

  • Fashion. I kind of love it. My wardrobe doesn’t exactly express it at the moment (that old ED dilemma- can’t buy clothes until you fit into “x” size..) But I really think that fashion is a beautiful, unique form of expression and I’d like to share this side of me.
  • Music. Music is such an important part of my life, so I may just consider sharing recent music obsessions when something strikes me as being fantastic.
  • Random ranting. Not of the negative sort, just taking a certain emotion that I feel on a particular day, or a memory and running with it. Expressing myself through exploration, and maybe coming to realizations that could help not only me, but others.
  • FUN! I’m a really fun person (not to toot my own horn!) and I want my blog to reflect how silly and quirky I can be. Especially with school right around the corner, there should be plenty of fun stories to tell and PICTURES even?! (Reveal to the blog world my face! That would be brand spankin’ new)

Speaking of fun, bingeing, emotional eating, and food/diet obsession is a serious fun-sucker! Sucks it right out of your life. Looking back on Sophomore year of college, I didn’t have much fun at all. My eating disorder stripped me of so much. I’m naturally a very fun, charismatic, charming, entertaining, social person.. and that’s only now starting to come back. All sophomore year I hid in my dorm alone, feared any sort of attention, cringed at the thought of going out and seeing people, and had near-panic attacks when in crowded places. My eating disorder completely crippled me, and left meerly a shadow of the beautiful, unique girl that it had ripped into. Do you feel the same way? Do you feel changed by your obsession with food or your self-destructive behavior (whatever form it may come in)? If so, I’ve been there, and it is hard! So few people understand. There’s nothing more troublesome than feeling like you are deprived of the most very important thing in the world, you. Please, please, please.. do NOT turn into a shadow! Reach out, get help, seek support and try your darn-dest to LIVE again.

I recently met up with some friends from school, and today I was discussing this same realization with one of my best friends, Brendan. As I told him about how much my depression had changed me and looking back, now that I have gotten past the toughest parts, I see now how I lived the life of someone else for a year he said something so simple, but it sort of struck me. He said, “Yea, it was nice seeing you skipping at the park”. I never skipped when I was depressed! That’s like a metaphor for the bigger picture… I never lived, I never smiled, I never ENJOYED my life while it was consumed by disordered eating and self hatred. Now my friends are starting to see the old me come back. They’re loving it, I’m loving it. I deserve to skip, damnit!Β  I deserve to build relationships and get attention and express myself. I deserve so much, and so do you! Don’t let the ED voice hold you down. When ED is nagging you, put some ne it out, baby! You can’t be hurt by it if you refuse to listen! If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. If the ED voice strikes but you pay it no attention, does it still make an impact? NO!

..Look at that, no recounting of meals or pictures of foods, but this may be one of my favorite blog posts yet! It appears that my blog has a bright future. Keep coming back and I’ll try to keep entertaining, informing, and encouraging you.

Until next time,

Peace, Love, but Please no Perfection.

πŸ™‚

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No Catchy Post Title

Hey everyone! Please excuse the post title– I just couldn’t think of anything! And sorry that my blogging has been a little rough this past week, it’s been a hard one. My dad’s still in the hospital and I’ve had some difficulty coping with that, and unfortunately I did a lot of emotional eating this week.

A.M.

This morning I set my alarm from 10 am to go to the gym, but I felt exhausted when my alarm went off and decided that sleep was more important. I wish I had exercised more this week, but at the same time I am happy that I no longer deal with guilt over missing the gym or an obsession with exercising.

I got out of bed at 10:45 and was not hungry for breakfast. The emotional overeating this week led to what felt like a big heavy rock in my stomach. That only promoted more emotional eating, because even if I ate healthy, that heavy rock was in my stomach and I didn’t feel any better, so I felt no point in not eating. It’s gotten better since, but it’s still not completely gone.

Early P.M.

At 12pm I finally went into the kitchen to put together a meal. I made a fajita w/ tempeh, green bell pepper, onion, broccoli, and salsa in a stone-ground whole wheat tortilla.

Delicious

Delicious

I didn’t do anything really productive this afternoon, other than pack for my trip to New York this weekend! Can’t wait to see my girls from school. Summer is too long and I can’t wait till the end of August! Both the girls are vegetarians, so I’ll have no problem eating vegan all weekend, which puts me at ease. The problems from last weekend won’t happen again this time because the vegan thing won’t be so foreign to the people I’m hanging out with.

At 4:30pm I had dinner: grilled tempeh, tomato, and hummus on toasted sprouted grain bread, green grapes, a small pickle, and vegan potato salad. Yumm. The potato salad was from Art Night, made with Vidalia Onion dressing instead of mayo. SO good. The potato salad already had red onion and bell pepper in it but I threw in extra orange bell pepper.

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Late P.M.

Work was boring tonight. I was there from 5pm-9:40pm, not bad. I was able to avoid snacking (aside from eating the equivalents of 1/4 oreo and 1/4 of an individual kit kat stick). Not a biggie. When I got home I ate:

Shredded Oats & Frozen Pineapple

Shredded Oats & Frozen Pineapple

Not pictured: two spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar. I felt pretty good about today, finally kinda reigned in the eating.

I’m a little nervous about tomorrow, I hate driving and HATE driving to new places. I often end up panicing and crying, no lie. It causes insane anxiety. The trip tomorrow seems pretty easy, so hopefully I’ll get there with no problem, but I can mess up even the simplest of directions. Wish me luck! I’ll be posting a wrap up on Sunday!

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Getting to Know You

A little survey action so you all can get to know me better? Sounded like a good idea to me!


FAVORITE:


1. color? red
2. Food? ((how do you choose?!)) tempeh in everything?
3. sport? does Zumba count? πŸ˜‰
4. kind of vehicle? Ford Focus
5. Smell? salt water, cinnamon
6. Brand of shoes? Steve Madden if I didn’t hate the thought of spending money on shoes!
7. Movie? The Notebook, The Dark Knight, The Sex and the City Movie
8. book? Pride and Prejudice, Candide, Withering Heights
9. animal? our cat Tillie
10. band/singer? Incubus, but I’m obsessed with Lady GaGa at the moment
11. song? Wish You Were Here-Incubus, reminds me of home
12. music video? Here We Go Again- OK Go
13. quotes: “But what if you miss the firework spectacular?”
14. Gum? 5
15. Nail polish color? I don’t really do nail polish, but something dark
16. school subject? in high school: math, in particular AP Calculus
17. teacher? Professor Edwards
18. number? 7
19. lip gloss flavor? i don’t like my glosses to be flavored
20. midnight snack? dry cereal
21. holiday? Christmas
22. month? July
23. year that you were alive? definitely not this past year. Maybe senior year of high school?
24. season? summer or fall
25. shampoo? at the moment: Herbal Essence- Degunkify
26. candy bar? Snickers
27. candy? chick-o-sticks?
28. soda? don’t really like soda
29. tv show? Sex and the City, Bravo trashy reality TV shows
30. hobby? theater, cooking
31. cartoon character? the Rugrats characters
32. clothing brand: Forever 21 because they’re cheap!
33. basketball team: none
34. hockey team: none
35. athlete? Michael Phelps? hot. from the chin down πŸ˜‰
36. flower? anything bright and pretty!
37. tree? Palm trees!
38. kind of coumputer? my laptop
39. vacation spot? anywhere with a gorgeous beach
40. color to write in? black
41. body spray/perfume? Pure Seduction from Victoria’s Secret
41. fruit? umm all?! strawberries, frozen grapes, blackberries
42. vegetable? bell peppers and broccoli
43. Icecream: mint chocolate chip
47. word: dipsomaniac
48. drink? water

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Happy Belated Birthday Post

Yesterday, yours truly, turned the big twenty. It was a pretty anti-climactic birthday. Nothing’s really different between 19 and 20,maybe in a couple days it will sink in that I am now in my twenties. But until then, I feel the same as always. So let’s do a rundown of the big old birthday.

A.M.

My mom woke me up at 7am to wish me a happy birthday. It was a nice gesture but I had SUCH a hard time getting back to sleep afterwards! I had a stomach ache from my sugar binge the night before. I barely slept all morning, then I got up at like 9:30-10ish. I had a late breakfast at 11am, Kashi Go Lean Crunch, slivered almonds, 1/2 banana, blueberries, and goji berries with unsweetened soy milk. It was a really delicious birthday breakfast bowl.

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Early P.M.

I had work from 12-5pm. All the people at the restaurant thought I was crazy for working on my birthday, but I requested off Friday for my birthday trip this weekend so I didn’t want to lose out on too many hours. It was a really easy shift, not too busy, but it went by pretty fast. The perfect balance. I had NO interest in the candy because my stomach was in pain all afternoon from the night before. I packed a bunch of snacks to eat during work: a larabar, dried apricots, 1/4 c edamame + 6 almonds, and whole grain crackers. However, my lack of appetite meant I only ended up eating the edamame, almonds, and crackers. At 5pm I left work and headed straight home to shower and get dressed.

Late P.M.

Then the birthday festivities began. First we went to the hospital to visit my dad. He was getting fluids pumped into him,so he was a little more lively. However he ate breakfast and lunch, but then ended up throwing it up at 6pm. I’m pretty sure he probably didn’t eat dinner after that. So still, no food in him. Sort of frustrating. But we did get some good news: my dad’s doctor is going to contact a doctor in NYC who is not only an expert in carcinoid tumor, but a specialist on carcinoid tumor of the pancreas in particular. Maybe he’ll have some new answers for us? At the hospital I got my birthday presents: a new digital camera (yes! I’ve been seriously hating on my camera for months now, so happy I got a new one), a book, and a $50 gift certificate for a massage. My mom did a good job!

By the time we left the hospital it was 7:30pm. I still hadn’t eaten anything since my edamame/cracker “lunch”, and I still had no appetite, but that didn’t matter because we were going to a vegetarian/vegan restaurant! The second I sat down and looked at the menu, my appetite went through the roof. I had eaten there before at lunch time but I never got to eat off the dinner menu. I had cornmeal crusted tempeh with vegetables, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

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This was yummy! I could definitely tell the mashed potatoes had lots of earth balance in them! So buttery and delicious, not something I would make for myself at home because I like to keep things a little healthier than that, but on my bday it was a hit! The cornmeal crusted tempeh was a knock out. So crispy and delicious. A little dry, but the gravy was spectacular so I just poured that all over the mashed potatoes and the tempeh and that problem was solved. It was certainly not something I would be able to make for myself at home on any old Tuesday, it was a real treat. Plus, it was so nice going to a restaurant and not having to order a salad or have to ask for substitutions or for ingredients to be held. I just got to place my order and it came to be in all it’s vegan perfection.

After dinner my mom dropped me off at my friend Anna’s house where Anna, Rob, and Rob’s girlfriend (who was visiting from Georgia) were waiting for me. Anna and Rob are my best friends, and Rob’s girlfriend just fits in so well with us. We were having a fabulous time sitting around and laughing. We celebrated my birthday with smore’s and champagne by the fire in her backyard. We’re classy bitches! I had two glasses of champagne, 3 smores, and 2 extra sheets of graham crackers. It was the perfect way to end my birthday.

I got home and did NOT binge! Woo! Finally yesterday felt normal. I couldn’t completely enjoy that because my stomach pain and bloat made me feel like crap, but I kept reminding myself that it was the previous day’s problem. I ate perfectly fine on my birthday. I felt STUFFED at the end of my night, but that’s because I had the majority of my calories after 8pm. However, I ate barely anything before 8am and worked on my feet for 5 hours, so I think it all balanced out to a perfectly fine food day.

Wait, that’s an understatement… a perfectly freakin’ delicious food day!

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Tempeh and a Tummy Ache

Hi everyone! This weekend definitely tripped me up but I’m trying to get past it, and your wonderful comments made me smile. I love my readers. ❀

A.M.

Got up at 8am so I could hit the gym nice and early to kick start my week in the right direction. I took a 45 minute Zumba class at 8:45am. I had never been to this one before, and I don’t think I plan on going back. The routines were not heart-pounding enough, or fun enough, and the instructor wasn’t really into it. But, it got me out of bed at 8am, so for that I am thankful. After the Zumba class I did 10 minutes walking on the treadmill at a steep incline and then 20 minutes on the elliptical because I spotted a magazine that I wanted to read. I left after that, got a few necessities from the grocery store, and then went home.

DSCI0004

Post-Gym Smoothie: 1/2 banana, frozen mixed berries, brown rice protein, splash of OJ, and water

By the time I got home, my dad and brother were already off to the doctor. When they went into the appointment, the doctor’s office immediately called the hospital to get a room for him. My dad was re-admitted into the hospital at 2pm. He’s now receiving nutrition via IV because he cannot hold onto any nutrients from solid foods, and he’s getting fluids in him from an IV also since the chronic diarrhea leaves him severely dehydrated.

It’s pretty scary that he’s back in the hospital so fast. He was only home for two weeks. I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming though, he lost 15 lbs in the 14 days he was home, dropping down to an all-time low of 148lbs at 6’5″. He was losing his voice, which is always a sign that things are getting bad, and the diarrhea came whether he ate or not. That’s the turning point every time, once the diarrhea is self-producing we know he’s going to the hospital.

It’s upsetting, but it’s the best place for him. He got a private room this time! We’re really happy about that because he always seems to get the worst roommates. My twentieth birthday is tomorrow, and I’ll be spending it at work from 12pm-5pm and then I’ll be heading to the hospital to visit my dad. Maybe not the best or cheeriest birthday, but I can’t complain. My entire family will be together at some point in the day, and with a family like mine I can’t ask for much more. They’re the strongest people I know.

Early P.M.

Back to the foooood. For lunch I had a fajita tempeh salad with grilled stoneground whole wheat tortilla. It’s a blog regular, because it’s that darn good!

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salad greens, blackened tempeh, grilled yellow/orange/red bell peppers and onion, salsa, and guacamole

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Late P.M.

Today I had my first closing shift of the summer, 5pm-11:30pm (I left after midnight). I’m lucky that it’s my first, because no one likes closing, I just wish I could have avoided it even longer! Since I was working 6+ hours I got a break, so I packed my dinner instead of eating before going in. I packed what looked like a really amazing salad: Oriental Tempeh Stir Fry Salad. Here’s what’s in the mix: salad greens, sesame garlic tempeh, steamed broccoli, steamed carrots, steamed sno peas, edamame, kashi pilaf, honey sesame sticks, and ginger sesame dressing.

DSCI0011
DSCI0012

Sadly the dressing was stronger than I remembered and I poured too much on. It basically ruined the salad and I didn’t even end up eating all of it. I was definitely disappointed because I was looking forward to it.

I snacked on candy again at work today. 😦 This sugar thing is really tripping me up. I know sugar leads to binges but I couldn’t stop. So I had a lot of candy at work, came home, had the normal cereal & fruit combo, but then ate cookies too. Ugh, I wasn’t very pleased, and neither was my stomach. I woke up today with a tummy ache.

I’m happy that all my actual meals were really healthy today , I worked out really hard at the gym and that I worked hard at the restaurant. I feel like a lot of that balances the late night sugar. I mentioned it to my mom and she suggested that I may need to go back on my herbal anti-depressant . I have had a couple of only OK days in a row, noticeably different, and that started once I went off the medication. I’m going to give it a couple more days and if things don’t improve I’ll be back on Amoryn, and out of the sun all summer long. 😦 Kinda sucks, but obviously if it comes down to that, my happiness is more important than a tan.

I’ll keep you all posted, of course.


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Not Setbacks, Just Missteps

Hey everyone! Hope your weekend is going well! My Friday and Saturday were both good & bad. I ended up having some food problems, but it’s OK. I knew it had to happen at some point, but I keep telling myself they were missteps, not setbacks. What’s the difference? A setback would mean that my journey had been halted and pushed back by a binge. But that’s not true! It was a misstep, which means that I temporarily took a wrong turn and ended up off my positive path, but now I’ve found my way back and I’m ready to move forward again. One or two days is not the end of me. The big picture is much more important and the big picture is that I had almost three full weeks of practically problem-free eating which is great!

So here’s a recap of the two days.

FRIDAY

Friday was a very good day for 90% of the day. I woke up early (before 8am) and had a light breakfast:

Nature's Path Heritage Flakes, 1/2 banana, raw trail mix, unsweetened enriched soy milk

Nature's Path Heritage Flakes, 1/2 banana, raw trail mix, unsweetened enriched soy milk

I went to the hospital to get my TB shot checked, then I went to the gym and did some strength training followed by a one-hour Zumba class. I got home at 12:30 and made lunch.

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Salad greens, carrots, yellow bell pepper, red onion, blackened tempeh, walnuts, blueberries, and lite honey mustard dressing

I wish that I had a better dressing, I really only like honey mustard dressing in sandwiches and wraps, but I didn’t have anything else that would work at all with the blueberries.

Close Up

Close Up

After lunch I headed over to the local beach for a little sun time. While I was there I struck up conversation with this guy on the beach. He ended up asking me for my number! That made me feel pretty good about myself πŸ˜‰ Nice little ego-booster! I got home from the beach and stuck around my house hanging out with the family until work. Some hilarious moments happened involving inside jokes with the family. It’s a little too hard to explain, but I had was having so much fun on Friday.

Friday's Dinner: Kashi pilaf, Coconut-Cumin marinated tempeh (store-bought), broccoli, black beans, carrots, peppers, onions

Friday's Dinner: Kashi pilaf, Coconut-Cumin marinated tempeh (store-bought), broccoli, black beans, carrots, peppers, onions

Work was when things started to go downhill. I snacked on way too much candy from the ice cream counter. Once I got started I had a hard time stopping and it seemed like every time I wasn’t making a sundae I was sneaking some candy. Sugar doesn’t respond well to my body, it usually sets of binge triggers and I don’t do well with the sugar crash.

When I got home I had my usual peanut butter/half banana/dry cereal combo with frozen grapes. I had some extra cereal and some additional spoonfuls of peanut butter which I didn’t really need to eat because I was certainly not hungry anymore. I think I was eating to calm my nerves before bed.

Why did I need to calm my nerves? Because I knew that I was not going to sleep. So far this summer I have only been to the beach a few times, but every time ended badly. I got pink faster than usual, I felt like I had a sunburn even when I didn’t (that intense hot feeling), and worst of all my feet would feel uncontrollably itchy, like I had a million bug bites.

Friday night I could feel my feet itchingΒ  through my shoes at work,that was my first sign that it was going to be a rough night. I went to bed before midnight but could NOT sleep. My feet were driving me nuts. So bad that I ended up getting up at 2am because I couldn’t just lie there and scratch my feet any longer. I got up and watched tv and ate. I didn’t have a full on binge but I snacked for a while. I went back to bed at 3:45am and fell asleep around 4am. (I have since realized that one of my herbal medications causes skin sensitivity to the sun and I am going off it until fall.)

SATURDAY

I woke up at 7:30am. OUCH. Yes, 3 and a half hours of sleep. Why get up so early? Because I was meeting up with friends from college at a girl’s house 40 minutes away and going to Six Flags for the day. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner away from home, which was the first problem. I hate being placed in a situation where other’s need to cook for “the vegan”. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. For breakfast I had fruit salad, some potatoes w/ ketchup,and a (non vegan) chocolate-banana-peanut butter muffin. No protein, no lasting power 😦 I hate not feeling fueled and this was a horrible breakfast for a day spent on my feet.

We got to the park just after it opened and hit up all the best rides right away. I love roller coasters! They’re SO much fun, and you get a rush from them that’s unlike anything else. By 2pm we had gotten on every great coaster once and took a break for lunch. We were supposed to all pack our lunches and go out to the parking lot for a ‘picnic’, but only me and my really good friend Brendan did that. We were kinda bummed about it, but we enjoyed our little lunch date together in the parking lot while everyone else ate inside. I packed a tempeh/hummus/tomato sandwich on a 100 calorie whole wheat bun, red pepper, a pickle, and an apple. This would have been a perfectly fine meal, IF we weren’t spending all day in the heat at the park. I was definitely not adequately nourished at all. Plus, very very dehydrated!

Everything costs so much at the park, so I didn’t buy any food (plus there wasn’t anything I would want to eat) and I didn’t buy any drinks. Besides the water bottle I drank at lunch I only had sips of other people’s drinks in the park. By 3pm my 3.5 hours of sleep caught up with me and I was dead. We finally left the park at 6pm (3 hours longer than I wish!) and ended up not getting back on any coasters a second time! Bummer.

We got back to the house and sat around, drank a few water bottles, and played a game. For dinner we had a BBQ. I had a vegan veggie burger on a white bun with ketchup and (too many) potato chips plus some pasta salad. I think that, since I really ate nothing on Saturday (aside from the tempeh) that was as filling or nutrient dense as I’m used to that I fell into binge mode.

I was supposed to sleep over, but I went home at 8:40pm because I was way to exhausted to want to sleep anywhere but my bed, and my dad was not doing well earlier in the day. I wanted to be home and make sure everything was OK. My dad was no better when I got home, he was even weaker. My parents went to bed and I went to the kitchen. I binged. It was a combination of dehydration/lack of nutrients and feeling nervous about my dad. But on the positive side, it was not my worst binge, many of my college binges were worse than the one last night, and I’m at the point now in my recovery that I can really understand why the binges happen. That’s one of the most important improvements I can make, because the better I understand them, the better I can deal with them.

CONCLUSION

These past two days were more difficult than any in the past three weeks of blogging. But I learned from the experiences. Here’s my quick little wrap up of how things went, starting with the bad and ending with the good… because I’m all about leaving things on a high note and being as positive as possible!

Bad

  • I had a mini sugar binge at work.
  • I ate because I couldn’t sleep, not because I was hungry.
  • I let myself go too long without food/water and without protein and nutrient rich foods.
  • I ate to calm my nerves.

Good

  • I had the confidence to strike up conversation with a cute guy, which ended in the exchange of phone numbers.
  • I shared some hysterical laughs with my family and I love nothing more than a good laugh.
  • I got to see some good friends.
  • I realized that one of my herbal anti-depressants was causing the sun problems and I decided that after three horrible nights of sleep that I would take a break from that pill until September.
  • I binged, but I learned from the binge and will hopefully be able to avoid those same situations again.
  • I didn’t hate myself for the binge and the morning after I woke up and decided to have a healthy breakfast instead of trying to hold off eating for as long as possible. Instead of restricting, I treated my body with kindness.
  • I’m focusing on the positive, forgiving myself, and not letting the binge derail me. It does NOT erase all the hard work I did and it does NOT stop me from continuing to do well and move forward, it was just a blip on the radar.

So now I’m moving forward and moving on. See you soon!

-Emma K.

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Sleep Deprived

I am on a roll! How many good days has this been?? SO many! To anyone who is stuck in an eating disorder of any kind and feel like you are trapped, you’re not! You can break free and have good days. It IS possible. I’m so proud of everything that I have done, however I know that I am not immune to binge temptations. I know that there is always a chance that I could slip into old habits or have a mis-step, but I feel like now I have the tools to deal with them better.

A.M.

I was going to get up at 8:40am this morning and do Zumba, but I did NOT sleep well last night. I was tossing and turning and scratching, and at 3:30am I got up and took a shower! I felt like I still had sunscreen on me from the beach even though I had showered earlier, and I couldn’t deal with it any longer so I took a 15 minute shower in the middle of the night. Crazy, right? It actually helped a lot though, I finally fell asleep pretty soon after that.

So, when I got out of the shower at 3:45am I decided to turn my alarm off and let myself sleep in. Working out is important for your health, but sleep is a priority. A girl can’t be healthy without sleep, even if you’re working out and eating right. I woke up at 11am on my own and headed straight to the gym for a mini work-out. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, three leg machines, and two arm machines and then I was out the door.

Early P.M.

When I got home I started making lunch right away since it was already 12:30 at this point. I made a very colorful and delicious salad.

Salad greens, red and green bell peppers, red onion, tomato, carrots, edamame, and mango salsa.

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After lunch I spent some time reading blogs, and by 2:30pm I was in bed napping! I slept until 3:40pm, and at 4:15pm I was getting ready for work.

While I was getting ready, I quickly tried on a couple of pieces of clothes in my wardrobe. The shorts that I had gotten earlier this summer didn’t fit when I brought them home because I bought them in the size I want to be, not the size I actually am. I tried on a pair of them today and they still don’t fit right, but they’re getting better. When I first tried the shorts on they were hard to get over my thighs and I couldn’t get them buttoned. Now they’re up and buttoned but tight. In a few more weeks they should be fitting even better. Slow and steady. Another pair of shorts that were very tight at the beginning of summer fit much better now. I’m excited. No need to weigh myself and be a slave to the scale and it’s numbers, just gonna keep checking in on how things fit. And, the fact that some of my shorts didn’t fit today did not upset me, I was happy that they fit better and I felt proud about how far I’ve come and how much more I will do for myself. I’m seriously loving this new positive state of mind.

At 4:30pm I had dinner. I needed something quick because I was running a little late. Therefor I had a frozen Kashi meal. Not something I would reach for every day (I enjoy making my own food), but it was super convenient in a pinch. I had the Ranchero Beans meal and it was very flavorful. I really liked it. I added some extra black beans to mine since I had them sitting in the fridge. The portion was a little small, and it didn’t have enough lasting power, but I would certainly recommend it, maybe with a side salad?

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Late P.M.

Work was uneventful. I was there from 5-10:15pm. I was getting pretty hungry towards the end of my shift, but I kept the snacking to a minimum – one cracker and 1/2 oreo. I always try to remind myself at work to not spoil my appetite at the restaurant on candy because the things I have at home are SO much better. For example, tonight’s snack:

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1/2 banana, frozen grapes, natural peanut butter, and Clif Mojo Bar Peanut Butter Pretzel.

This was worth waiting for, very yummy. There is something so comforting about peanut butter when I come home exhausted from work (plus I love sneaking some extra straight from the jar!). And the bar was a nice combination of sweet and salty, my favorite flavor pairing.

OPERATION BEAUTIFUL

I sent some pictures in to Operation Beautiful this week and they got posted today! Check out the site to see my four positive messages and many more from amazing women around the country! My favorite note that I posted:

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"Don't think about how thin you can get, think about how strong you've become"

Remember that!

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