Monthly Archives: March 2010

Focusing on a New Chapter in My Life

Hey guys! Hope you’re all doing well. I have some news.

So since I started this blog last summer I’ve had moments where I loved it, and moments where I avoided it for weeks at a time. I’ve considered closing it before, but it’s also been an amazing source of support.  You guys are all so great, and I’ve really enjoyed writing to you all. But I think it’s time that I close down the blog.

As much as the blog is constructive, I feel like it also has somewhat stinted my growth. Every time I write here, I’m still writing about depression, emotional eating, and binging (or being so proud of not binging). I want to take the focus of my life off the bad and onto the good. I want to spend more time living life and less time thinking about the life I’ve previously lived.

Thank you so much for spending time with me in the past year and for all of your support, especially during this winter. You’re all great, beautiful people who are 100% deserving of the living the best life ever. Right now, I’m (hopefully) taking my first big leap towards that better life.

Have a great day..week..month..year.. 😉

Michelle

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Life Ain’t No Box of Chocolates

…it’s a roller coaster ride. I feel so up and down lately.

Three great days, followed by three miserable days, and repeat. It’s so emotionally taxing. Lately I’ve lost so much motivation. For example, my room is trashed right now, but I have no energy to do anything about it. I just add to the piles because I don’t know what else to do. I compete with clutter just to sleep on my bed at night.

I had my first exam this semester today and it was such a struggle to study for it. I finally dedicated time to it, but it was certainly a battle of will to make myself do it. I constantly feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I also feel alone a lot, and sad. I try to reach out to people when I’m feeling down, but I often get discouraged when people start responding that they’re busy. I end up sitting in my apartment miserable and feeling empty.

And then I pass the time by eating. Not gonna lie, today I ate at least 15 snack baggies of graham cookies.. there goes portion controlling. Ugh. So disappointing. Obviously they weren’t eaten out of hunger, cookies aren’t terribly satiating, but 15?! Come on, you’d get full after 5. Right?? No, they were eaten for some other reason. Entertainment? Possibly. A little sugar spike so I can get a happiness spike? Certainly played a part. A distraction from thinking about how sad I am?? DING DING definitely the number one reason.

It’s fascinating, I understand all of this SO freakin well. I totally get it. Does that make it easy to stop? Nah. Easier? Maybe, but it’s definitely not easy. I still have a really hard time, but I’m trying to come to terms with that.

I have to imagine that a lot of this has to do with my dad passing away. That’s the thing I don’t understand. I don’t understand this whole mourning thing. I don’t understand this underlying loss feeling, I don’t understand these delayed emotions, I don’t understand what a loss like this is like.

I can’t be mad at myself for having a tough winter. Anyone would have a tough winter under these circumstances, and a lot of people would eat in response to such an intense loss. In fact, did you know that more people eat in response to loss than don’t eat? For so long it was assumed that people wasted away over misery. Some do, but the vast majority actually gain weight during the grieving process. I’m eating because I’m missing something in my life, and I’m not alone in doing that.

I’m trying a few things that will hopefully help.

  • Taking a long weekend at home. I got permission to miss one class tomorrow and my Friday class, so at around 9:30am tomorrow I will be in the car headed home, estimated time of arrival: 11:30am. I’m really looking forward to seeing my mom and escaping the college scene for a few days.
  • Just got two books about emotional eating & mindful eating in the mail from Amazon today. Looking forward to reading them and seeing if anything strikes me.
  • I’m actively pursuing off campus therapy. I have my first initial meeting next Monday. The lady sounded nice on the phone, and it was one of the top people the on campus counseling center suggested for me. The office is located ~20min off campus. Normally that would be nerve-wracking for me, I hate driving to new places, but, lucky me, the building happens to be down the road from the hospital I interviewed at. I should have no problem finding it, what a relief. I hope it goes well, I’ve had bad experiences trying to get off campus help. Cross your fingers for me!
  • Considering reaching out for help from friends. This one makes me feel very nervous. I really don’t like being vulnerable, at all, and I really don’t enjoy asking for help. But if my main problem is feeling isolated when I’m alone in my apartment, then obviously I need others to be around me. I was thinking about talking to some of my closer friends and just saying Hey, I’m having a hard time. A really hard time. When I’m alone for too long, I end up doing self-destructive things. I need help, I need company. Sometimes, when you’re sitting around doing homework, or just sitting around doing nothing, send me a message and see if I’m doing the same. Then we could do it together. It would mean a lot to me. Just writing that out on the blog felt so uncomfortable to me. I really have no idea if I’ll follow through on asking for help. I’m also always afraid of saying “Hey hang out with me?” because I’m afraid the response will be no. :-/ What do you all think?

So the moral of today’s blog post:

It’s OK to have a hard time. It’s OK that getting back to “normal eating” takes a really loooooong time and has a lot of bumps along the way. However, it’s not OK to not do anything about it. Once you realize you have some sort of problem (any kind of problem, food-related or not) you should try to fix it, because you don’t want to waste any more time on a problem than you have to. So, it’s alright by me that I struggle, as long as I’m doing my best to put up a good fight.

I got my boxing gloves on. Emotional eating better be ready for a fight.

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Cheeseburger in Paradise

Hey everyone!

So NEDAweek is over and it was a HUGE success. Now that the week is past us, I have to focus on school work, with my first exam of spring semester on Wednesday. I’m trying to not freak out about it, because I really have not put any time into it yet. Guess I just won’t be sleeping much Monday or Tuesday. :-/

My eating was totally thrown of course this week. The executive board for NEDAC went out to dinner Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (two meals with speakers, one celebration dinner). Although it left me feeling overstuffed and a little guilty, all the food was charged to the club, which was awesome! lol I also went out to dinner last night with a guy friend, got the most insanely delicious vegetable lasagna with big broccoli florets in it.

The highlight though of my week of eating out was today. After partying far too hard last night (one of my more epic weekends at college), I ended up staying in bed until 3pm. I never EVER do that. It was kind of fun being a college bum for once. Finally at 3:30pm my stomach was growling. I wasn’t hung over (SO surprising), but I had that post-drinking gross stomach feeling. The cure? GREASE! As my friend and I were discussing the best “day after” meal choices, one in particular stuck out: cheeseburger and fries. The last time I had a beef cheeseburger was probably junior year of high school.

I was pretty damn excited for that burger. It’s so rare that you crave something so specifically, so I knew I had to listen to my body and go all out. No veggie burger, no subbing a side salad, it had to be meat, cheese, bread, and fries… with lots of ketchup.

We went to a diner, because diners have the best food. When my huge plate of fatty deliciousness was placed in front of me, I dug in and didn’t leave a crumb behind. I was pretty full afterwards, but totally satisfied.

It’s almost midnight now, and the only other thing I’ve had was a no sugar added skim chai latte. This was not because I didn’t allow myself to eat anything else today because of my burger. If I felt genuinely hungry I would have eaten something. In the past, I would have been convinced that I had to eat something by 8 or 9, 4-5 hours after my last meal. I would have eaten out of habit, not true hunger.

But, I’m trying to listen to my body more, honor it’s cravings, and acknowledge what’s true hunger and what is emotion or routine. So even though my only food today was a big greasy cheeseburger, fries, and a chai latte, I did an excellent job of listening to my body, and that’s really important to me.

I do not advocate eating one meal in a day. But I do advocate listening to cravings and listening for hunger.

Goodnight,

Michelle

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