Weekend Wrap-Up: Red, White, and Burnt

Hi everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July weekend filled with BBQs, fireworks, and the whole sha-bang.

SATURDAY

Started off my weekend with a patriotic Red White & Blue breakfast:

The Red: strawberries, The Blue: blueberries, the White: A little bit of white chocolate wonderful on the tip of my spoon that I thoroughly enjoyed before digging into my bowl. The cereal? 1/2 cup of Nature’s Path Optimum Blueberry Cinnamon with unsweetened soy milk. It was a baby-sized breakfast because I had it an hour before Zumba! They had a special class for 4th of July where all the instructors took turns doing routines from their classes. It was amazing, and the room was packed with a bunch of people who were super into it. I can’t think of a more fun thing to do at 9:30am! 🙂

For lunch we had a little mini-BBQ, just me and the parents. I had a veggie burger on a toasted wheat bun with grilled red onion, a slice of tomato, and organic ketchup. On the side is a big pile of my mom’s famous roasted vegetables and some roasted potatoes.

After lunch my mom and I headed to the beach. It was a beautiful day, but a little windy (some serious sand to the face moments!). I finished my book, The Notebook. I liked it, but the ending was a little flat. I left the beach after two hours and then ended up hanging out with a kid I haven’t seen since high school (2 years ago). It was super random for him to text me and invite me to a bloc party, but I never do anything spontaneous so I thought, what the hell, I’ll go. I had fun but after a couple of hours I was exhausted and ready to go home. But not before I drank two beers during Beer Pong (that was when I first arrived) and eating a little cake.

I realized while I was there that I didn’t feel self-conscious at all. I was the only girl there (aside from his sisters), with him and four of his friends. It didn’t matter that I don’t have a “perfect body” or that I wasn’t at my “desired weight”. I am a fun person to be around, and getting hung up on my body just holds me back from letting my true self shine! I even jumped into the pool in my bikini without giving any thought to whether or not I looked “ok”. I could tell the guys were enjoying my company, and I was enjoying there’s and that’s all that matters. It makes me wonder, why do we focus all of our attention on our bodies? It takes such a toll on us that it can end up silencing us and keeping people from getting to know who we truly are! I’ve always been attracted to personalities before looks, so why should I think that all guys are only focused on looks? Yes, some care about looks, but those aren’t the ones I want to be with anyway. It’s time to throw away my body fears and unleash the gorgeous girl that’s hiding inside me. I won’t lie, hanging out with those guys was a little ego-boost!

When I got home I was feeling all sorts of burnt. I was PINK. Whoops! For dinner I had a super quick tempeh, pepper, and onion fajita with guacamole and salsa in a whole wheat tortilla.

But the highlight of the holiday? My second dessert at home:

Mango sorbet with Purely Decadent Coconut Milk Coconut Ice “Cream” and topped with slightly thawed frozen mixed berries. Oh wow, delicious. The last minute decision to get some coconut ice cream was the best idea. Positively perfect.

Not pictured: several cookies, some Stacy’s Pita Chips and some more peanut butter.

My munching face was on yesterday! But I didn’t freak out about my hands slipping into the cookie jar a few too many times. I just told myself that part of normal eating is having fun and occasionally you do eat extra calories. It’s a part of life. Not a big deal.

I went to bed at 11pm but had the hardest time sleeping because of my sunburn. In the middle of the night I had to grab an ice pack from the freezer and put it under my back!

SUNDAY

I didn’t set my alarm last night because I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep well from my sunburn so I wanted to give myself a chance to get some sleep whenever I did eventually fall asleep. I was really surprised when I woke up and my sunburn was a lot better. It’ll still be a few days before I’m completely pain free, but it’s nothing like what I anticipated. I barely even feel it now!

I slept until 11am and didn’t get hungry until 1pm. I decided that the best thing to eat after all my sugar from the day before would be a salad. This was a new salad combination and it was scrumptious (and beautiful). Salad greens + lemon pepper tempeh + yellow bell pepper + red onion + salsa + avocado + vegan caesar dressing.

Salad Heaven

This afternoon I went to the gym and didn’t Zumba. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical followed by a 5 minute cool down and 9 different strength training exercises for various body parts. I felt my sunburn a little while I was workin’ it on the elliptical, and I couldn’t do abs because of my pink back, but otherwise a fantastic gym trip. What was particularly great was my arm workout in front of the mirror. It was the same as always, but I didn’t cringe in the mirror! In fact I was looking in the mirror thinking, look at you go! Look at how good you’re doing! Look at what you’re doing for your body! It felt really great to feel some serious confidence come over me.

After the gym I just hung around the house with the family for the rest of the day. I had a post-workout “recovery snack” of 1/2 banana with peanut butter and 1/4 cup of roasted edamame. Didn’t take a photo because it wasn’t necessarily pretty or interesting, just tasted good 😛

At 7:30 I went to make dinner, but I had no idea what to eat! My stomach was feeling funky so I went for something simple and I actually ended up really enjoying it. Sometimes it’s the things that take the littlest effort that end up being great.

Toasted whole wheat pita with a layer of roasted garlic hummus, roasted vegetables, chopped tomato, and a little sun-dried tomato for garnish and some added flavor depth.

And there’s nothing like a sweet treat to end the weekend. Tonight I had a bowl of fruit salad (blueberries, grapes, pineapple, strawberries) and about 1/4 cup of raw cashews.

Yummy Rainbow

That’s it for my weekend! I survived a holiday without a binge and had some serious positive thinking going on. Can’t wait to start another week and see all the continued progress I can make!

Ooey Gooey Goodness

Well, I am happy to report that I have lost track of good days. Wow, I don’t even know the last time I could say that. How exciting! And all of you are a major factor in keeping me on track and motivated!

A.M.

I got up at 8:30am with the hopes of going to Zumba for the third day in a row, but the second I got out of bed I knew that was not going to happen. My legs were killing me this morning. The leg exercises that I did yesterday in combination with the more intense Zumba kicked my butt even more than I knew! So I listened to my body, took a break, and at 9:30 I ate breakfast instead of getting ready for the gym. 🙂

Nature’s Path Heritage Flakes (~3/4 cup) with unsweetened soy milk, 1/2 banana and a handful of raw gogi trail mix (raw pistachios, raw cashews, raw cocoa nibs, goji berries, mulberries, and golden raisins)

Early P.M.

For lunch I tried to make the family tempeh sandwiches but they declined (lame!), so I made myself a tempeh sandwich. Lemon pepper tempeh on a toasted 100 calorie whole wheat bun with mashed avocado and a slice of tomato. I also enjoyed sliced bell pepper, sno peas, a pickle, and 1/4 c grapes with it. So delicious, filling, and healthy. If you don’t do avocado on sandwiches and burgers, you have to try it! You’ll never go back!

After lunch I went out and did some grocery shopping with my mom (who was off of work for the weekend!). Along with the normal super market trip, we also went to a local farmer’s market and picked up some Jersey Fresh produce. My favorites from the trip: the berries!

How good do those look?! I’m pretty excited to dig into them.

When we got home I did a little workbook-ing, but then I spontaneously passed out for an hour! One minute I’m on the couch just kind of curled up on one side with my mom sitting on the other, and the next minute I was in deep sleep. When I woke up I was completely shocked at what time it was (3:45!?! Only 15 minutes till I had to get ready for work). I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before, so it’s good I got some extra shut eye, but I totally wasn’t planning it, lol.

Before work I had an early dinner, even though I was still pretty full from my amazing lunch. I took the last of my quinoa and black bean salad from Wednesday’s party, added a little extra pepper and tomato to it, and then cut up a square of the Italian Herb Tofu I found in the fridge yesterday.

Like the beach bowl? I thought it was nice and festive for the 4th of July weekend.

Late P.M.

Work was not as exciting today as it was yesterday. We had four people (as opposed to yesterday’s two) and probably only 2/3 of the orders. Not a good combination. It really dragged. On previous nights, if it was slow, I would sneak candy to beat the boredom. But today, I did a great job of not mindlessly snacking! However, for that reason, I was starting to get pretty darn hungry by the time I left at 10:30pm. When I got home I showered as quickly as possible (because as hungry as I was, staying in those clothes was not appealing to me, and neither was smelling like ice cream for even a minute longer). After I was in my pj’s I made this beauty:

THE Ooey Gooey Goodness

OK, OK, maybe not the most beautiful picture in the world, but it was beautiful to my taste buds! Clif Z Brownie Bar microwaved for 10 seconds w/ Dark Chocolate Dreams and White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butters and half banana. Sooooo good. I’d been looking forward to it all night, and it did not disappoint. I was really happy that I didn’t snack at all at work, because that made my evening snack even better. If I’d snacked all night I would have been stuffed and suffering from a serious sugar crash, and I would have ended up feeling guilty. I’ll take peanut butter over guilt any day!

Another day has come and gone without a binge. But more importantly, I continue to grow with each day that goes by. Each day gives me renewed hope for the next, and as long as I keep taking the individual steps to feel good, I will eventually make great strides in accepting myself and loving myself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July weekend! I don’t have anything special planned for the holiday, but I’ll be spending time with my family which is good enough for me.

Peace, Love, and Peanut Butter, my friends. 🙂

Busy Bee

Hi everyone! My Thursday was SO jam-packed with things that I couldn’t even think about blogging until this morning. I must say, Wednesday was a downer, but my Thursday was fantastic. It just shows you that every day is different at that you can’t let one bad day stop you in your tracks, because you never know… the next day could be your best day!

A.M.

Yesterday’s breakfast: ZUMBA. That’s right, I’m obsessed. I got up at 8:35am and headed off to the gym a little before 9 to beat the crowd at the 9:30am class. I left with an empty belly because I had no appetite and was not in the mood to force feed. And I’d rather enjoy my food than think of it as a chore. When the class opened I was right up there in the 3rd row and ready to dance my (flat) ass off! Julie is the teacher on Thursdays, and I had heard that she was the best. Well, the rumors are true! Amazing, heart pounding, sweat dripping fun. If you have the opportunity to take a Zumba class and haven’t yet, do it! Got two left feet? No problem! I’ve got two left feet, no rythmn, and no grace, but I can survive an hour long class and enjoy it. It has totally revived my love for the gym.

After Zumba I did some strength training. I used to separate my strength training into leg days and arm days, but now I mix a bunch of different body parts into each day. I like it more that way, it makes the training session move faster. Sometimes doing your 6th leg exercise in a row is just not that inspiring. My only rule: can’t do the same machine two days in a row. That way it’s OK that I’m working body parts on back to back days because I’m working them a different way. Yesterday’s strength training included two arm exercises, three leg, two ab, and two booty (gotta fix that flat issue! 😉 ) When I left the gym after 90 minutes I felt rejuvenated, strong, and beautiful. It’s definitely true that working out can sometimes be as good for the soul as a great big hug or a powerful therapy session.

Early P.M.

When I got home I wasn’t starving because my body was still on it’s exercise high. I waited 30 minutes and then made myself a drool-worthy lunch. The inspiration for my lunch: an unopened package of Italian Herbed Tofu dated 7/3/09. Whoops! I’m pretty sure it can last a few days longer since it was vacuum-sealed and not opened until July 2nd, but I wanted to make sure I ate some right away. I made the same salad as Wednesday w/ salad greens, the last of the roasted vegetables (they were so good), roasted red pepper (polished off the jar), tomato, sun-dried tomato, and then the herbed tofu on top. Then as everything was coming together the best idea ever came to mind, toasted pita and hummus? YES! So I toasted 1/2 of a whole wheat pita, cut it in thirds, and spread some roasted garlic hummus on top.

drooling yet?

yum

After lunch I went outside and did some workbook exercises in the sunshine while I listened to music. It was a very peaceful way to pass the time. I definitely need to keep that in mind for the next school year: when stressing, don’t stuff your feelings or curl up in a ball… instead, listen to your favorite music and write down your thoughts. So far the Self-Esteem Workbook and The Don’t Diet, Live-It Workbook have been great. I highly recommend both. The Food and Feelings book? A little slow.

Occasionally in The Don’t Diet, Live-It Workbook there are pages that are called Spontaneous Road Trip where it leaves an entire page blank for you to write out random thoughts, draw pictures, paste photographs, whatever you need to do at that moment. Yesterday, when I came across one, I instantly knew what I wanted to do, and my thoughts just poured all over the page. I’d like the share this with all of you.

When you’re having a bad day, I encourage you to make a list like this for yourself. You may not feel strong or successful in the moment, but let your inner diva shine through and talk yourself up! Soon, you’ll start believing your diva voice.

By the time my hour of quality time with my mind in the sunshine was done, there was a smile on my face and a sense of calm throughout my body. Nothing’s better than that.

Afterwards I sent some much overdue emails to a few lovely people, read The Notebook (loved the movie, love the book… I’m a sap!) And then it was time to get ready for work! I was finally returning to the restaurant after 5 days off. I took Monday and Tuesday off so I could be with my dad during his first couple of days at home, and I can’t say I missed work much 😛

I got ready at 4pm and at 4:20pm I had an early dinner. This meal was super simple, black bean and quinoa salad (leftover from what I brought to the party Wednesday), a sunshine burger browned up on the stove, and steamed broccoli. Took no time, no effort, and was pretty darn good.

Late P.M.

Work was absolutely insane. The first two hours were a little slow, but after that it got busy and didn’t stop! I was supposed to work 5-10pm but I ended up there until 11:15pm. There was no way I was leaving Kim by herself to deal with the madness so I stuck around and honestly I didn’t even notice that an extra hour had passed until she mentioned something about being closed in five minutes. I was shocked. That’s why I love busy nights at work, no time to look at the time! It was definitely worth sticking around the extra hour because I made $18 in tips. Yay gas money! I gave $3 to Kim because she helped me on a couple of orders, and I kept an even 15 since I did the majority of the carry-out work. It was a great night at work, and Kim is awesome to work with so no complaints!

I brought a big, juicy gala apple to work but never touched it. My stomach didn’t even make a sound all night, adrenaline was taking over. When I got home at 11:30pm I showered, and then had to have a snack, even though it was nearing midnight, because I hadn’t eaten in over 7 hours! I went light, my gala apple and roughly 1/3 cup of Shredded Oats.

Eventually I went to bed, but didn’t fall asleep for maybe an hour because my mind was racing. I hate when your body is tired but your mind won’t shut off, does that ever happen to anyone else??

Reflection

So all in all it was a very good day. Pretty average: gym, reading, working,eating… but average is OK. The thing that made it feel like a great day for me was I did things that made me happy (exercise, workbooks, reading), I ate food that tasted good and was healthy, I had a very productive day at work, and I got my mind off my body and my insecurities and spent some time appreciating myself. It was, indeed, a great day.

A Quick Note on Guilt

I know that a lot of people dealing with eating disorders, especially bulimia and binge eating disorder, deal with a lot of guilt. Not only is there the guilt over your eating habits, but also sometimes there is guilt over what you’re feeling. Sometimes when you try to reach out to others you are faced with a “well other people have it worse than you” response, or a tone of “I wish food was my only problem”. I know I have gotten those comments in the past. Don’t let these get you down. What you are feeling is real and justified. If what you’re dealing with is too much for you than it is too much. Don’t ever compare your problems to other people’s and never try to “rationalize” if they are bad enough. Listen to your heart. Everyone has different tolerance levels and are affected differently by situations. You may be really good at handling work stress but bingeing is killing your self-esteem, while someone else doesn’t think twice about food but spends all their time worrying about work. Does that make either of you wrong for feeling what you are feeling? No. It just means that things affect everyone differently, we’re humans, it’s in our nature to react to things in our own, unique way.

Whenever I hear the argument “other people have it worse than you”, I am reminded of something my good friend once said to me:

Some people get shot by a bullet and that’s horrible, but it doesn’t mean that getting punched in the face doesn’t hurt.

Pain is pain. If you’re feeling it, then follow your heart and try to fix what’s hurting you and don’t let anyone belittle you for your feelings.

We all deserve to be happy and healthy. Don’t ever forget that.
Until next time,

Emma K.

Danger Zone

Oh my friends, today was difficult.

A.M.

Today I got up bright and early at 8:35am so I could get to the gym for 9:30am Zumba! Oh my god this class was amazing!! The room was packed with so many people and there was such a great vibe, it honestly felt like a party. And the moves and songs were really fun. It put a smile on my face.

After 60 minutes of Zumba I did three arm exercises and three leg exercises (including jumping squats, ouch!) and hit the road. I got home at 11:20am and needed something, but I wasn’t in the mood for lunch… I still wanted breakfast! On the way to the gym I had 1/2 a banana. Afterwards I took 1/4 of the banana, sliced it, and put it in a bowl with 1/2 c Kashi GoLean Crunch and then the other 1/4 was coated with a beautiful layer of peanut butter!

Early P.M.

After my super late breakfast I made my dad some lunch, hung around the house reading blogs, and then at 2pm I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. However, I decided to not start it yet. I’ve discussed it more with my parents and we all think it’s better if I wait a little longer and see just how much progress I can make on my own.

When I left for the pharmacy I changed out of the lounging clothes I was wearing and had to put on some acceptable clothing. I tried on the shorts I bought last week… no good. I was in denial when I bought them and I really bought the size I want to be, not the size I am. It was upsetting, and a big stab at my self-esteem. I was pretty bummed when they barely made it over my hips and were inches from buttoning. 😦 I guess I’ll go back to the mall and exchange them sometime in the next week.

I had no appetite all afternoon, but I finally forced myself to have lunch at 3:30 because eating any later would have been just ridiculous. I had a pretty awesome salad. The mix: salad greens, roasted red peppers, tomato, sun-dried tomatoes, leftover roasted vegetables, and pan-seared tempeh with Annie’s Lite Italian dressing. Oh wow, the flavors on this plate! Beautiful.

After lunch I made a black bean and quinoa salad for Art Night (it was scrumptious). Then I took a little nap and went to the chiropractor.

Late P.M.

Getting ready for Art Night was also a struggle. I pulled out a pair of “security jeans” that I bought half way through my year of bingeing but never wore. I cut off the tags and put them on, and it was a struggle… and they’re my security jeans! 😦 Oh man I just felt so defeated in that moment. It’s so hard to have a week of good days but then deal with these little struggles, because you suddenly feel as if you haven’t gotten anywhere. I had to remind myself several times that I’m in this for the long haul. I’m in this so I can escape food issues for the rest of my life. I’m in this so I never have to deal with it again. Maybe I could lose the weight faster in another way, but if I lose it too fast I’m just going to gain it back again. I need to take this slooooow so I can learn and change and grow.

Although I repeated these things to myself several times throughout the day, I still felt bloated and “too big” all day. Ugh

Art Night was pretty fun, not as fun as last week but still a good time. However, today was a hard day for a party. Feeling down and being placed in front of a big spread of food is not easy for anyone who has suffered from binge eating disorder. For dinner I had: two mini portobello sandwiches, a scoop of black bean and quinoa salad, vegan potato salad, carrot sticks, and a serving of Stacy’s Simply Naked pita chips. For dessert I had: one large brownie, 5 small strawberries, and one vegan cupcake (1/2 of a banana one w/ peanut butter icing and 1/2 of a chai latte one). I felt pretty damn full after the meal. And the sad part: I didn’t even enjoy it. 😦 I let the ED voice get to me. I let it get me down. I let it take away from the pleasure of the night and the meal. So disappointing.

The good news though: I did NOT binge. I haven’t touched any food since coming home from the party, and although I certainly think I ate more than I needed to at the party… it was nowhere near a binge. It was probably the “normal” intake for the average person who goes to a party… but for a binger, anything that pushes the limits of fullness sets off warning signs of a binge. I felt totally vulnerable after dessert, like at any time if no one was looking I would go inside and stuff my face.. so I had to leave a little earlier than I wanted to.

I need to not let the ED voice stop me from enjoying food and enjoying life. I need to remember that this is it, I want to fix my problems for good this time. I don’t want to struggle this hard ever again in my life. And if that means it takes months to lose weight, then so be it. Yes, I understand that I will struggle mildly with this for the rest of my life, but I NEVER want it to be this bad again, and because of that I’m going to take my time and do it right.

Wish me luck everyone, I’m facing my fears and finally standing up to the voices that haunt me. It’s not easy, but I’m not giving up. Not this time.

Enjoying Bites without a Binge

My dad is home! He came home today after 3 weeks in the hospital. He came home with no medication or prescriptions, but we’re hoping t0 clear that up in a couple days and get him on some things. He’s very weak, but he’s moving and standing, something that rarely happened in the hospital. I’m so happy to see him home, and I have complete faith that this will get better.

A.M.

My alarm went off at 8:30am. I was going to go to the gym for a quick 30 min cardio, but I decided that sleeping was more important! 😛 I spent the next hour lazily enjoying the comfort of my bed. At 9:45am I finally got up. Before breakfast I got ready to go up north for my cousin’s graduation party. It was one of the first times in a long time that I got dressed up. My usual uniform these days is gym clothes (yay stretchy waistband). I put on a pair of jeans and they didn’t fit well (a little muffin top action), but they zipped and weren’t terribly uncomfortable so I wore them. I paired it with one of my new tops from this week’s shopping trip, a tank top that’s fitted at the bust and flowy in the mid section for muffin top camouflage. That was layered over another tank top and under a shrunken black cardigan.

I didn’t let myself get upset about the jeans not fitting well. I just thought, hey, you’ve been doing good lately missy! And if you tried these on after that week of bingeing when dad went in the hospital or even a week ago after your three of four bad days in a row, they may not have button. So good for you for making progress! These babies will fit like a glove soon enough. There’s a little positive self-talk for you!

However, some negative self-talk took over when I was doing my hair/make-up. My hair is super damaged from stress and hair dye, and the roots are often greasy and oily. Of course, today my hair looked like a mess…I tried to straighten it, but the ends just looked fried and the roots looked like I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks! (And I wash DAILY, thank you very much!). I ended up putting my hair up and like so many times in the past, I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror. It did serious harm to my self-esteem. I do believe the words “I’m hideous” came out of my mouth at one point. 😦 Got a new shampoo today though, called “degunkify”.. maybe that will help?! Kinda describes a lot of changes I need in my life… whole lot of degunkifying is required, for sure!

After all that I ate my breakfast. This was the most epic bowl of cereal ever. THREE kinds of cereal and THREE kinds of fruit! Oh yeah. The mix: Nature’s Path Optimum cereal, Kashi goLean, and Kashi goLean Crunch (total was roughly a cup) with blueberries, strawberries, and half a banana. Finished off with slivered almonds and unsweetened enriched soy milk. I don’t think there are even words to describe how awesome this bowl of goodness was.

Early P.M.

I brought snacks to my cousin’s graduation party, just in case I needed them. But I ended up leaving the edamame and Larabar in my purse because I was able to scrounge up enough foods to make a full meal from the party spread. I had salad, two breadsticks, some pita chips, some pretzel thins, hummus, bell pepper, and bruschetta.

I also munched on a few extra pretzel thins and pita chips while mingling, but nothing major. Then there was dessert. I made a little nibble plate. I had one chocolate chip cookie bar, one small wedge of vanilla cake about 1.5″x 1.5″ and a little scoop of the most insanely decadent chocolate cake that my mom grabbed for herself. I had about three bites of the chocolate cake, then I stole a fourth because it was that good! I was very proud that I was able to enjoy these insanely delicious foods in small amounts and feel satisfied and not tempted to binge at all. Parties can often lead to binges because of the large amounts of food, but I think I did a great job of listening to my body and eating what I wanted without overeating!

It was really nice seeing my cousin and her family, I barely get to see her! But the family is coming down to their beach house (20 min from my house) next week and they’ll be there for two weeks, so I should be seeing her at least a few times.

At 4:30pm we headed out and after a quick detour to run errands we made it home a little after 7:30pm. My dad was waiting at the door to greet us. His limbs are looking quite thin (the man must have a couple of inches of space between his inner thighs!) but seeing him standing was very encouraging.

Late P.M.

I was full from the party and didn’t even think about an evening meal until 8:30pm.  Finally I decided I should have something, but I went light. I had a smoothie and four whole grain crackers with probably a total of one tablespoon all natural, unsalted peanut butter. The smoothie was made from: 1/2 banana, frozen mixed berries (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries), a little orange juice, water, Amazing Grass Amazing Meal Pomegranate Mango Infusion, and an extra sprinkle of brown rice protein powder to add some more protein to the 10g that the Amazing Meal packet provided.

Crummy Picture Quality

The Amazing Meal had all sorts of healthy goodies:

• Green Stuff: wheat grass, kale, barley grass, alfalfa
• Protein: rice and hemp proteins
• Antioxidant Fruit & Veg Blend: acai, carrot, blueberry, goji, rose hips, maca, and banana
• flaxseed powder
• digestive enzymes and probiotic blend

It was pretty good. All of the fruit in my smoothie pretty much covered up it’s healthy taste :-X . It was good trying something new. It was a baby step towards that green monster that all the beautiful blog laddies are raving about, but I still don’t think I’m ready to put kale in my smoothies!

That’s it for my day (plus the small handful of raw cashews I just snuck, mmmm tasty).  The rest of the night’s plans: watch a little TV and SLEEP. Didn’t get to start any of my workbook stuff, but maybe tomorrow?

See you soon, blogworld!

-emma k.

P.S.

A little close up peanut butter porn. Shout out to Jenny!

Gotta love all that nutty creamy beauty!

Therapy and Thunderstorms

A.M.

This morning started off earlier than usual… 8:45am. I woke up and went straight to the gym. I have no appetite first thing when I wake up, so I had 1/2 a banana on the drive over. The gym was packed, but surprisingly I didn’t have to wait for any machines. I did 40 min on the elliptical machine with a 5 minute cool-down, followed by 3 arm exercises, 3 leg, and 3 abs. While there, I started reading the book that I checked out from the library, Feed Me!. Yep, I am definitely guilty of zoning out on the cardio machines and reading! I got through the intro and two essays and so far I’m really enjoying it.

After my workout I showered and headed over to my appointment with my psychologist. We talked about how my school year ended, about my father being sick, and my issues with anxiety and depression (particularly with body image and self esteem). She urged me to go on medication, again. We discussed how I’ve been trying some herbal supplements for depression, which she had no problem with. But she would rather I go on medication, get my chemicals in check, and then go off medication and maintain the changes with herbal supplements.

I’ve been scared of going on medication, and my family is hesitant, but I’m going to give it a try. My psychologist said that I should start seeing a difference within a few weeks, and if I don’t then I can just drop it. I guess there’s no harm in trying something… I can always just go off it.

The timing for the medication is good & bad. The good: I’m home, and I’m home for two more months. So if it’s difficult or scary I can work it out here with my family not on my own at college. The bad: My dad is is very sick and we don’t know what the future holds.. so it’s already a stressful time for the family, and this just adds more stress. I’d like to get a prescription by early next week and start taking it sometime next week. I’ve got a lot of talking to do with my mom about it this weekend, together we’ll figure something out.

By the time I got home at 12:30pm I was definitely feeling hungry from my serious lack of breakfast. I made yet another salad masterpiece. This invention is what I like to call the fajita salad. I take tempeh, peppers, and onion and saute them, then serve it on top of a bed of lettuce with fresh pico de gallo salsa for salad dressing, a little guacamole, and grilled whole grain tortilla on the side. Really spicy, very flavorful, and the homemade tortilla “chips” on the side is just the perfect thing to complete the meal.

P.M.

Work was SLOW tonight. Very boring. I ended up snacking on a little more candy tonight than last night… but it added up to maybe 6 reese’s pieces and 1/2 oreo total?? With the combination of a very light breakfast this morning, a workout, and 5 hours of working on my feet… those little bites of candy were no concern of mine! Before I had gone to work I had the other half of my banana with natural, unsalted peanut butter. I brought the rest of my “dinner” to work, one cup of Shredded Oats cereal and a Think Fruit bar (review coming soon!). I ate those throughout the night, and it did a fine job of keeping me full.

The most incredible thunderstorm hit while I was at work. I’ve never seen lightening light up the sky like this, and the most intense thunder. It was amazing! I just wish I wasn’t working at the time so I could have enjoyed watching more of it.

I was out of work at 10pm on the dot and drove home with another lightening show playing out before me. I was surrounded by a second round of the tremendous storm and I made it home just minutes before it swept through. My mom and I sat on the couch in front of the big window in the living room, with all the lights off, watching nature at it’s best. It was nice sharing that moment with her. It’s been such a tough month and I feel like I’ve barely seen her, so spending a few minutes curled up together and talking was nice.

After the storm passed I made myself a quick snack and settled in for some blogging and TV before bed. I had roughly 1/2 cup of frozen pineapple, one ounce of raw cashews with a pinch of raw goij trail mix and a teaspoon of peanut butter straight out of the jar. Yum. 😛

So there you have it. Three good days in a row. I would say that I hope it keeps going, but that’s false. I know it will keep going. I can do this. I can keep honoring my body. I can keep making choices that will move me forward. I can keep my head up, and realize that even though this is going to take a lot of time… each individual step is what counts most.

-emma k.

Family Update

My father found out today that his tumor is impossible to operate on. It’s too big and it also is surrounding a major artery. We knew both of these things, but we were thinking some miracle would happen and he could do it anyway.

We’re hoping he’ll be released from the hospital this weekend. It’s going to be difficult. He’ll be coming home with medication to keep him going, but he still doesn’t have a set solution. I’ve already informed my work of the situation and I’m only working two shifts next week, taking off from my day shifts so I can be at home with my father. He can’t be home alone, so it’s up to my brother and I during the day and my mom at night to take care of him.

I hope things improve, but I can’t seem to stop myself from thinking that things could get worse. It’s hard, and the uncertainty is scary. But my family is strong and we’ll get through this together. I’m going to try my hardest to keep my health in check during these times because this kind of stress is exactly the thing that could set off bingeing/emotional eating. I’m just going to focus on staying healthy and happy for myself and my father. I won’t be much help to him if I’m moping around the house.

Shopping & Working

What a crazy day in the world of celebrity news! The death of two icons in one day. Very sad and shocking. This will keep all the news channels buzzing for days. But now, on to my day:

A.M.

This morning I woke up at 9:30 am, my regular time, even though I went to bed a little later than usual last night. I got out of bed, and went out into the kitchen where my mom was making tea. She wasn’t at work today because she had a doctor’s appointment. We stood in the kitchen and talked about some things, mostly about my father.

My dad’s been in the hospital for almost three full weeks. He was diagnosed a very rare form of cancer on his pancreas (not pacreatic cancer) three years ago. The symptoms had been creeping back since February, but in early June it got really bad and he was admitted into the hospital. But this time, he didn’t recover in a few days like he has before. It’s been a really tough month, and he was finally showing some good signs this week. His spirits were up, and there was one day where he was nearly symptom free. But, now he’s right back where he was on the day he entered the hospital and the doctors have said that we’ve really got to consider all of our options now.

The drug he’s been on for the past 3 years that subdued the symptoms is no longer effective. He’s either got to have surgery or find a new route of medication. The earliest he will be out is the end of next week.. which will make it a full month in the hospital. It’s a little disappointing since we thought he’d be out this weekend, but hopefully soon we’ll have a definitive answer for where we’re going with this.

On a lighter note, my breakfast was pretty good this morning. I had a small bowl of cereal (mixture of Nature’s Path Optimum cereal and Kashi GoLean) with 1/2 banana and a handful of fresh blueberries, with a sprinkling of slivered almonds on top. I went for a small bowl because I only had two hours between Breakfast and Lunch, but it was very satisfying.

Early P.M.

At noon I made lunch. I had an oriental salad made with: romaine lettuce, red & orange bell peppers, red onion, steamed broccoli, steamed snow peas, steamed edamame, and peanut sesame tofu. I topped off my salad with a pinch of honey sesame sticks and ginger sesame dressing. This is the third time I’ve had this salad in the past two weeks and I’m just obsessed with it. It feels like a gourmet restaurant salad, but at home.

After lunch I hung out with one of my best friends. We had three hours to kill before I had to get ready for work, so we drove around town doing different things. We headed over to the beach and walked the boardwalk for a bit, then we went to the mall where I bought some clothes, and finally we went to the library where I got a new library card, took out a book, and got an iced coffee.

Shopping was an odd experience. I haven’t bought clothes very often in the past year after this entire ordeal with bingeing and emotional eating began. I didn’t want to buy bigger clothes, because I saw that as a failure. Instead I was just always striving to get back into my old clothes. But never having clothes that fit isn’t very good for my self esteem, and it just fed the fire. A lot of my clothes still don’t fit… and I realized that I really can’t keep living each day wishing that I was the girl I was before all this began. I didn’t try anything on, because that would just be too difficult for me. Instead I simply bought things that looked like they would fit.. and if they don’t, I’ll just return them. I got 4 pairs of shorts, a few basic tank tops, two nice tops, and two bikini bottoms (my tops still fit).

Sadly, I couldn’t actually come to terms with buying a different size. I just kept telling myself “this is temporary, everything can be taken in once you lose weight”. It’s a shame that I can’t just accept myself at any size.. but I’m learning, or at least trying.

When I got home at 4pm I started getting ready for work and prepared an early dinner for myself. I had a blackened tempeh sandwich on toasted Arnold’s Sandwich Thins with roasted garlic hummus and tomato. On the side I had a pickle, baby carrots, and grapes. It was really, really tasty.

Late P.M.

I got to work at 5pm and started sipping on my iced coffee the second I walked in the door. I’ve been seriously missing coffee since coming home, I drink it a few times a week at school, but never at home. This small cup was really refreshing. I worked a 5-10pm shift today at the restaurant (I scoop ice cream/make sundaes). Work can be hard because when I am stressed or bored, which happens during a lot of shifts, I getting wandering hands and I end up snacking on ice cream toppings like crushed Oreos and crushed Kit Kat bars. Lots of times this leads to guilt, which can then snowball into a binge. Today I tried really hard to not snack. To help, I brought my own snacks: dried apricots and 1/2 oz. cocoa roasted almonds.

My snacks helped A LOT. No munching 🙂 And they kept my energy up through 5 hours of running around, carrying 6-gallon containers of ice cream across the kitchen, and working my butt off!

A little after 10pm I clocked out and headed home. I took a shower which felt amazing after my shift, and then sat down to a little bowl of frozen pineapple (~1/2 cup). I love frozen pineapple. It’s super refreshing.

Tomorrow will be another productive day: gym, laundry, appointment w/ my psychologist, and work. Then the weekend! And I hear the weather’s going to finally clear up a bit. 🙂

The First Post

Today was a pretty busy day even though I didn’t have work. It was another rainy, cloudy day. June has just been the most awful weather month. Weird thing is… I’m kind of enjoying it. I love the sound of rain, it’s so beautiful. However, I’m pretty sure that a break from this June gloom would be nice. Maybe July will be better.

A.M.

I started off my morning with a small bowl of cereal. I absolutely love breakfast, but I’m very particular about it. For me, the best breakfast is: whole grain (cereal/oatmeal) + fruit + healthy fat (nuts) + protein (soy milk/protein powder) It fills me up, keeps me going throughout the morning, and it’s the absolute best way for me to kick start a healthy eating day.

This morning’s breakfast combo was: a little less than one cup of Nature’s Path Heritage Flakes with 1/2 banana, Raw Goji Trail Mix, and unsweetened enriched soy milk. The Raw Goji Trail Mix is a mixture of raw cashews, raw pistachios, raw cocoa nibs, mulberries, goji berries, and golden raisins. Delicious.

After breakfast I worked on some blog things (the About This Blog and Nourishment pages), made an appointment with my psychologist, and made some bruschetta for the get-together I was going to later on.

P.M.

At around 1:30pm I got around to eating lunch. I had the most delicious salad. I really love salads, but there has to be something spectacular about them… no plain veggie salads for me! Today’s mix was: romaine, carrots, red & orange bell pepper, red onion, grape tomatoes, cucumber, “croutons”, and tempeh with vegan caesar dressing. The croutons were actually the crumbs from the bottom of a bag of olive oiled & herbed crustinis from Whole Foods. I cubed up some tempeh, tossed it around in a bag with olive oil/salt/pepper/cayenne pepper/coriander and then cooked it over medium-high heat until golden brown. The crunch of the croutons and the little nuggets of flavor from the tempeh were sensational on top of the salad, and the dressing pulled everything together.

After lunch, I ran a few errands, then went to the gym. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by a 5 minute cool-down, and then circuit training: 2 arm machines, 2 back, 3 legs, and 2 ab exercises. When I left the gym it was raining.. again. Already the second time it rained. I ran to my car, and then drove off to the grocery store.

At the grocery store I picked up:

• Fruit: 3 gala apples, grapes, locally grown blueberries, small container of fruit salad
• Veggies: onion, bell peppers, broccoli
• Grains: fresh ciabatta bread, whole grain english muffins, whole wheat Arnold’s Sandwich Thins, and Shredded Oats.
• Nuts/Seeds: all natural unsalted peanut butter, Dark Chocolate Dreams from Peanut Butter & Co. (I’ve been dieing to try this!)
• Snacks: bag of mini pretzels, Stacy’s multigrain pita chips
• Other: Mango sorbet

Next time I’ll try to remember to take a picture of the goods before I pack them away in the kitchen! Once I got out of the grocery store the rain had left, but it was replaced by the absolute grossest, thickest air imaginable.

When I got home I took a quick shower, cut up the ciabatta bread,and then we were off to Art Night with bruschetta and bread in hand. Art Night is a weekly gathering of friends and family at my friend’s house. It’s every Wednesday and it’s a wonderful opportunity to see people, enjoy good food, and laugh.

I didn’t take any pictures of my Art Night food (a little shy of bringing the camera out in public). I had some guacamole with a few blue corn chips, some bruschetta and bread, a big scoop of quinoa and edamame salad, and a wedge of watermelon. After wards I munched on some extra bread and chips as we sat around and talked. Dessert was all vegan ( 🙂 !!!) and amazing! I had a scoop (and a little more) of blueberry cobbler, and 1 & 1/2 vegan cupcakes. Wow. What a delicious night!

But what’s really important is that I didn’t binge. Parties are always a little difficult for me because they tend to set off binges. But I kept things in check tonight. I definitely munched a little more than I needed to… and I probably didn’t need the extra bites of dessert, but I didn’t beat myself up over that! Plus, I usually have a snack in the afternoon and night in addition to my Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. I had no afternoon snack today… so my dinner + munching + dessert probably came pretty close to matching the calories I usually take in between snack + dinner + snack. And if it was a little over? Well who cares. Having a wonderful time with close friends is worth a few extra calories. And one night of indulging each week won’t kill me.

I also didn’t do any grazing once I got into the house, which I was really thrilled about. For some reason, I feel like I’m compelled to scope out the kitchen whenever I come home after being out, whether or not I’m hungry. Instead of doing that, I watched some Sex and the City on TBS and then went to bed.

All in all… a good day. A delicious day. A binge free day. A day spent with wonderful people. A near-perfect day.

What else could I ask for?

-emma k.