Knock Knock, Who’s There?

Me! It’s been a week now?! (A little more actually) Feels like this blog absence has been sooo much longer! Here’s a recap and an explanation:

  1. My dad is OK! He’s home, gets fluids from a bag that he wheels around w/ him for 8 hours a day. He went to NYC last week to meet with a carcinoid tumor expert and it was VERY encouraging. We’re getting a follow-up sometime this week. He does however have a blood clot that is leading to a nasty swollen foot/leg situation. That was bad, but now his other foot is swollen?!? Oh dear, this man NEVER catches a break! We’ll be calling the doctor on Monday to inform him of this new swollen predicament. But he really is doing a lot better.
  2. I am OK. My week spent blog-free was NOT because I went on a crazy, manic, bingeing spree. I’ve been doing fairly well for the most part. No big tailspins or freak outs.
  3. I am, however, crazy busy! This week was my first week volunteering at the hospital. I did 12 hours (4 hour shifts M/W/F) on top of 23 hours at work, and will continue to follow this schedule for the next three weeks. It could, quite possibly, kill me, but I gotta do it! This girl’s got a lot of goals to meet, and getting this volunteering gig is going to be a HUGE advantage on my resume so I just have to keep my eye on the prize!

This week was BEYOND exhausting and quite stressful.. the two emotions that send me straight to bingeing. I faired well until Friday, but on Friday I kind of fell apart a bit. After a few days of not adequately fueling my body for all the work it was doing I was hitting a breaking point. However, instead of resting like I should have, on Friday I decided to go to the gym in between my 4 hours at the hospital and 5 hours at the restaurant. Bad idea! I should have listened to my body. I didn’t enjoy my workout AT ALL, I didn’t leave myself enough time to eat dinner so I ended up bringing it into the kitchen and sneaking quick bites when I could (talk about rushing through a meal and not enjoying it!), and I snacked on a LOT of candy to get me through the night. When I came home I ate a little more, but I did not binge. Woohoo! It was a tough way to end my week, but I didn’t let it totally get me down and I didn’t fall prey to my bingeing thoughts, even though they seemed so damn tempting at the time.

Needless to say, between 12 hours at the hospital, 20+ hours at the restaurant, 4-5 workouts per week, and having some sort of life there doesn’t seem to be much time for blogging in the month ahead. I’m not going to stop my blog, because I could very well decide tomorrow that I feel like blogging nonstop again! But, I’ll probably only be able to post every couple of days now (not a perfect blog, but doesn’t that kind of fit with the theme? 😉 ) I also won’t be taking pictures of everything I eat because there’s just not enough time! But if I make something fantastic, you better believe I’ll document it so I can make you drool all over your keyboard!

Another reason to not take pictures of all my food is that I want my blog to reflect the journey I am trying to take in my own life, and it includes giving food the attention is deserves, no more. Food is one component of my life. It is not my life, and my food choices are NOT the biggest reflection of who I am (can you say mental progress?! Yay!) So I’m really going to spend more time talking about how I’m doing emotion wise/self-esteem wise and mention food in an appropriate manor, as a delicious little tidbit of my day… not the main focus. I’m kind of excited about it! I personally love reading food blogs, but for me.. writing a blog is going to help me if it’s NOT a food blog but more of a ME blog, and honey… I have so much more to offer than the food on my plate and a number on a scale!

What can you look forward to seeing in the future on the blog?

  • Fashion. I kind of love it. My wardrobe doesn’t exactly express it at the moment (that old ED dilemma- can’t buy clothes until you fit into “x” size..) But I really think that fashion is a beautiful, unique form of expression and I’d like to share this side of me.
  • Music. Music is such an important part of my life, so I may just consider sharing recent music obsessions when something strikes me as being fantastic.
  • Random ranting. Not of the negative sort, just taking a certain emotion that I feel on a particular day, or a memory and running with it. Expressing myself through exploration, and maybe coming to realizations that could help not only me, but others.
  • FUN! I’m a really fun person (not to toot my own horn!) and I want my blog to reflect how silly and quirky I can be. Especially with school right around the corner, there should be plenty of fun stories to tell and PICTURES even?! (Reveal to the blog world my face! That would be brand spankin’ new)

Speaking of fun, bingeing, emotional eating, and food/diet obsession is a serious fun-sucker! Sucks it right out of your life. Looking back on Sophomore year of college, I didn’t have much fun at all. My eating disorder stripped me of so much. I’m naturally a very fun, charismatic, charming, entertaining, social person.. and that’s only now starting to come back. All sophomore year I hid in my dorm alone, feared any sort of attention, cringed at the thought of going out and seeing people, and had near-panic attacks when in crowded places. My eating disorder completely crippled me, and left meerly a shadow of the beautiful, unique girl that it had ripped into. Do you feel the same way? Do you feel changed by your obsession with food or your self-destructive behavior (whatever form it may come in)? If so, I’ve been there, and it is hard! So few people understand. There’s nothing more troublesome than feeling like you are deprived of the most very important thing in the world, you. Please, please, please.. do NOT turn into a shadow! Reach out, get help, seek support and try your darn-dest to LIVE again.

I recently met up with some friends from school, and today I was discussing this same realization with one of my best friends, Brendan. As I told him about how much my depression had changed me and looking back, now that I have gotten past the toughest parts, I see now how I lived the life of someone else for a year he said something so simple, but it sort of struck me. He said, “Yea, it was nice seeing you skipping at the park”. I never skipped when I was depressed! That’s like a metaphor for the bigger picture… I never lived, I never smiled, I never ENJOYED my life while it was consumed by disordered eating and self hatred. Now my friends are starting to see the old me come back. They’re loving it, I’m loving it. I deserve to skip, damnit!  I deserve to build relationships and get attention and express myself. I deserve so much, and so do you! Don’t let the ED voice hold you down. When ED is nagging you, put some ne it out, baby! You can’t be hurt by it if you refuse to listen! If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. If the ED voice strikes but you pay it no attention, does it still make an impact? NO!

..Look at that, no recounting of meals or pictures of foods, but this may be one of my favorite blog posts yet! It appears that my blog has a bright future. Keep coming back and I’ll try to keep entertaining, informing, and encouraging you.

Until next time,

Peace, Love, but Please no Perfection.



1 Comment

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One response to “Knock Knock, Who’s There?

  1. “I hid in my dorm alone, feared any sort of attention, cringed at the thought of going out and seeing people, and had near-panic attacks when in crowded places. My eating disorder completely crippled me, and left meerly a shadow of the beautiful, unique girl that it had ripped into. Do you feel the same way?”

    YES!!! It sucks that this disease can be so completely debilitating. I became so good at isolating myself. Thats a skill that I really wish I didn’t have. I am only now starting to get past that and go out when I am invited, and trying to stop shutting out the world. Its hard, but you’re right, its worth it!

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