Oh my friends, today was difficult.
Today I got up bright and early at 8:35am so I could get to the gym for 9:30am Zumba! Oh my god this class was amazing!! The room was packed with so many people and there was such a great vibe, it honestly felt like a party. And the moves and songs were really fun. It put a smile on my face.
After 60 minutes of Zumba I did three arm exercises and three leg exercises (including jumping squats, ouch!) and hit the road. I got home at 11:20am and needed something, but I wasn’t in the mood for lunch… I still wanted breakfast! On the way to the gym I had 1/2 a banana. Afterwards I took 1/4 of the banana, sliced it, and put it in a bowl with 1/2 c Kashi GoLean Crunch and then the other 1/4 was coated with a beautiful layer of peanut butter!
After my super late breakfast I made my dad some lunch, hung around the house reading blogs, and then at 2pm I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. However, I decided to not start it yet. I’ve discussed it more with my parents and we all think it’s better if I wait a little longer and see just how much progress I can make on my own.
When I left for the pharmacy I changed out of the lounging clothes I was wearing and had to put on some acceptable clothing. I tried on the shorts I bought last week… no good. I was in denial when I bought them and I really bought the size I want to be, not the size I am. It was upsetting, and a big stab at my self-esteem. I was pretty bummed when they barely made it over my hips and were inches from buttoning. 😦 I guess I’ll go back to the mall and exchange them sometime in the next week.
I had no appetite all afternoon, but I finally forced myself to have lunch at 3:30 because eating any later would have been just ridiculous. I had a pretty awesome salad. The mix: salad greens, roasted red peppers, tomato, sun-dried tomatoes, leftover roasted vegetables, and pan-seared tempeh with Annie’s Lite Italian dressing. Oh wow, the flavors on this plate! Beautiful.
After lunch I made a black bean and quinoa salad for Art Night (it was scrumptious). Then I took a little nap and went to the chiropractor.
Getting ready for Art Night was also a struggle. I pulled out a pair of “security jeans” that I bought half way through my year of bingeing but never wore. I cut off the tags and put them on, and it was a struggle… and they’re my security jeans! 😦 Oh man I just felt so defeated in that moment. It’s so hard to have a week of good days but then deal with these little struggles, because you suddenly feel as if you haven’t gotten anywhere. I had to remind myself several times that I’m in this for the long haul. I’m in this so I can escape food issues for the rest of my life. I’m in this so I never have to deal with it again. Maybe I could lose the weight faster in another way, but if I lose it too fast I’m just going to gain it back again. I need to take this slooooow so I can learn and change and grow.
Although I repeated these things to myself several times throughout the day, I still felt bloated and “too big” all day. Ugh
Art Night was pretty fun, not as fun as last week but still a good time. However, today was a hard day for a party. Feeling down and being placed in front of a big spread of food is not easy for anyone who has suffered from binge eating disorder. For dinner I had: two mini portobello sandwiches, a scoop of black bean and quinoa salad, vegan potato salad, carrot sticks, and a serving of Stacy’s Simply Naked pita chips. For dessert I had: one large brownie, 5 small strawberries, and one vegan cupcake (1/2 of a banana one w/ peanut butter icing and 1/2 of a chai latte one). I felt pretty damn full after the meal. And the sad part: I didn’t even enjoy it. 😦 I let the ED voice get to me. I let it get me down. I let it take away from the pleasure of the night and the meal. So disappointing.
The good news though: I did NOT binge. I haven’t touched any food since coming home from the party, and although I certainly think I ate more than I needed to at the party… it was nowhere near a binge. It was probably the “normal” intake for the average person who goes to a party… but for a binger, anything that pushes the limits of fullness sets off warning signs of a binge. I felt totally vulnerable after dessert, like at any time if no one was looking I would go inside and stuff my face.. so I had to leave a little earlier than I wanted to.
I need to not let the ED voice stop me from enjoying food and enjoying life. I need to remember that this is it, I want to fix my problems for good this time. I don’t want to struggle this hard ever again in my life. And if that means it takes months to lose weight, then so be it. Yes, I understand that I will struggle mildly with this for the rest of my life, but I NEVER want it to be this bad again, and because of that I’m going to take my time and do it right.
Wish me luck everyone, I’m facing my fears and finally standing up to the voices that haunt me. It’s not easy, but I’m not giving up. Not this time.