Dirty Words

It’s a success… the new “feel good record” of the summer is 7 good days in a row! Woo hoo! Finally, 7 whole days that were in my favor. Who wants to bet that I’ll make it to 8?? I’m pretty confident I will!

A.M.

Woke up at my usual 9:30am this morning and putzed around watching TV and reading blogs. Then I came across the movie Becoming Jane on TV and was completely enthralled in it. I absolutely loved it. It kept me so well distracted that I was shocked when I realized it was 11am and I still hadn’t had breakfast. It took me an hour and a half to get hungry this morning. Not uncommon for me, but a little inconvenient.

I was thinking about having something other than cereal for breakfast today because I eat cereal so often, but with sunburn comes an intense desire to eat cold things, so toast or waffles was out and my trusty bowl of cereal, fruit, and cold soy milk was in. I had one cup of shredded wheat with blueberries, (the last of the) strawberries, and crushed walnuts to mix things up. I’m pretty good at eye-balling my one cup of cereal these days, and I am strongly against measuring my foods because it sets off other obsessive and restrictive behaviors. But today, as I looked at my bowl of naked shredded wheat, I wondered, how close am I? I got out the one cup measurer, transfered the dry cereal, and lo & behold, I was right on! There was a moment of pride, then I smothered my nude cereal with all the goods and ate it up.

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It was a little bland, more bland than I remembered from when I frequently ate Shredded Wheat during spring semester. But I got through the bowl just fine and it kept me full for 3 hours.

Early P.M.

From 11am to 1:45pm I continued to be a bum (sunburn=no gym…ouch) until my stomach started growling and I put together my next meal. This one was a gem. I heated up three packaged falafel balls on the stove with leftover roasted vegetables. Then I served it over a whole wheat pita with a (very) small gala apple, baby carrots, and sno peas. At first I was only going to have half a pita, but as I stood over the kitchen counter with my pan in one hand and the half pita on the plate, I wondered… can all this fit in there? Certainly not. I guess I’ll just eat an overflowing mess… or maybe… maybe I could have a whole pita. Oh no, definitely not, that’s too much. Not a whole pita. Then it dawned on me, am I really afraid of a pita?! SERIOUSLY?! That’s ridiculous! So you know what I did?? I ate the whole damn pita and loved every second of it! Even with the entire pita folded around my delicious pile of filling it was spilling over… no way was the half going to cut it. I would have felt like I was cheating myself if I went for half… or, even worse, it would have just fallen right apart and I would have regretted even making it. But it was SO good, and I’m SO happy I made it! What a shame it would have been to waste this meal on half a pita, and how amazing it was to enjoy it with the full pita!
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At 3pm I got dressed to head to my doctor’s appointment. I knew I wanted to wear a dress (hello sunburn RIGHT where your waistband hits). The first one I tried on looked horrible 😦 . I looked in the mirror and instantly felt like a big, fat failure. This dress used to look good on me! And now it just drew all the attention to my anything-but-flat stomach. I was upset, but I didn’t let it get me down for too long. I put on a different dress that hides the midsection and makes me look pretty cute. Add some makeup, earrings, and adorable sandals and I was out the door looking, dare I say, effortlessly chic?

The doctors appointment wasn’t productive or unproductive, just kind of blah. But before I discuss the medication, I first want to address a major issue…

They told me my weight. Oh god. When I got weighed by the assistant lady I asked for her to not tell me. She gave me a weird look, but she obliged and didn’t make a sound. Then as I was talking to my doctor about my depression she asked me about any appetite or weight changes. I said that I binged without purging and gained 30 lbs. She looked at me in complete disbelief. I then admitted that I was underweight when I started the school year. Then she looked at my records and said Oh yes, last August you were xxlbs and now you’re xxlbs. Nooooo! She said it! She said those dirty words. She uttered exactly what I never wanted to hear my weight. And it was, in fact, a number that made me cringe. I hated it. I instantly felt awful about myself and what I had done all year long. It was horrible. But more on this in a bit..

I got a prescription for a generic brand of Zoloft (that got sent to the wrong pharmacy so I can’t start it until tomorrow) but the doctor only prescribed a 30 day supply and said that I needed to see a psychiatrist. Which, of course I knew deep down inside, but didn’t want to have to deal with. Because if I have to deal with that, then I have to deal with my parents and their insurance plans and that’s always a dead end conversation. It always ends with, and the insurance policy is HORRIBLE when it comes to mental health. And then we all collectively, myself included, drop the ball, accept it as a failure, and don’t mention it again until the next time that I feel motivated to ask.

It’s really hard because I know that my parents want to help me. They have both been so incredibly supportive throughout this year, but getting me to the psychiatrist seems like an impossible thing. But now we’ve got to make it possible, because there is no way I am going on an anti-depressant for thirty days and then just stopping. What the heck would that do for me?! Updates on the psychiatrist debacle will be coming (hopefully soon).

On the ride home I was still feeling down about my weight, but then I thought, snap out of it. OK, so my weight today is SO not where I want it to be. But, when this has happened before what did I do? Sulk. What came after sulking? Bingeing. So I quickly decided, it is not important what I weigh today. What is important is that I am on my 7th good day in a row, I am making progress, I am treating my body with respect, and I know that eventually my weight will catch up. And with that, I did not give my weight any more attention.

Late P.M.

The family ate way too early (5:45) for this lady. So I sat with them and watched them eat their turkey sandwiches (I’ll pass) and waited until 7pm for dinner. When I did finally make dinner I was starving, and really in the mood for something good. I had a fajita salad, and this time I added some mushrooms. As the vegetables and tempeh were browning up I reached for an avocado from the fridge to make some quick and easy guacamole (avocado + store bought pico de gallo). I used about a fourth of the avocado and got the most delicious, heaping serving of guac out of it. As I spooned the guacamole into a delicious mound on top of my salad, I thought to myself, skrew you pounds! You can’t get me down. I’m going to enjoy my guacamole and every healthy calorie that it packs! I felt no need to deprive myself after hearing my weight at the doctors office because that wouldn’t help.. that’s an old habit that never worked. So instead I ate really healthy calories (and who cares how many!) and enjoyed the fact that I was nourishing my body. The pounds will come off with time… and in the meantime, I’m gonna enjoy every bite I eat!!

I forgot to take a picture of my salad (it was THAT good, I just had to devour it) but you can see a picture of the same exact salad plus the grilled tortilla that I enjoyed with it on the blog post that I linked above. If you haven’t seen that post before, I HIGHLY recommend checking it out, because my fajita salads are my pride and joy.

After dinner I ran a quick errand for my dad, then did about an hour of work-booking. At 11pm (ah!! super late!) I had a nighttime snack. I wasn’t too hungry so I kept it light. I had a little less than one cup of frozen grapes. Freezing the grapes cuts the sweetness and makes them creamy with a more subtle flavor. Fantastic.

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After I finished those, I popped open the White Chocolate Wonderful and scooped out a little spoonful (less than a tablespoon) and enjoyed that thoroughly.

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I didn’t need much, just that little bit was so blissful, and a perfect way to finish off my EFF MY WEIGHT I AM NOT CHANGING MY LIFE BECAUSE OF A NUMBER mentality. I wanted it, I had it, I loved it.

End of story. End of post. 🙂

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Dirty Words

  1. loveprevails

    I am so happy for you and your 7 days of happy success! Not to mention that stupid assistant who obvi didn’t have a clue what she was doing/talking about with you. I have experiences like that, I feel ALL THE TIME. I just want to smack those DR some times, like really, is it that hard to avoid weight talk if we ask you? You handled it so well thought. And LOVED the ‘in your face ED’ decisions you made for yourself and stuck with through the day. Remember you were UNDER weight last time they checked. Which was BAD. So now your not there this time around, which is good, but hard to accept. Same thing happened to me after coming home this summer. Good luck hun!

  2. frenchybelle

    This is a great post, it shows how far you have come and grown!! Way to go !! Way to kick that pitas butt and the avocado! Remember that WHO YOU ARE has nothing to do with a number on the scale! HUGS!

  3. jentrinque

    I really enjoy reading your blog and I’m so happy you made your seven days! And weight really is just a number, your happiness and mental health are so much more important!

  4. Sara

    Hi! So I just started my own blog, and I just wanted to introduce myself! You’re blog is SUCH an inspiration to me. I really believe that after finding your blog and reading it, I found the courage to start my own. I feel like I can relate so much to you, and it really makes me feel like I am not alone…so thank you! 🙂

    also…I’m so proud of you for having 7 great days! yaaa girl! Umm and is it weird, I have never tried freezing grapes!? haha. But after reading your post, I REALLY want to try it!

    Hope your wednesday is going great my dear!
    http://simplysara-sara.blogspot.com/

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