Spinning Head Syndrome

Hey everyone,

This week was hectic between exams, classes, homework, and just feeling down emotionally. Whenever I think about all the things I’m doing and all the things I have yet to do, my head starts to spin. I start to feel like there are literally things spinning around in my head and I can’t keep up. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately and it’s been hard to deal with. I haven’t binged in response to it, so we’ve still gotten somewhere, but I’m not without my issues.

So I set up an appointment at the counseling center at my school. I went yesterday. The woman I saw was absolutely amazing and we really hit it off. What surprised me was home much she thought I needed help. In the first 10 minutes of sitting down and talking she told me with a concerned face that she was “so happy I came in today” and she had no idea how I “kept it all together“. I’m quick to tell myself that my problems aren’t that bad, not as a defense mechanism, but more of a general disbelief that my problems are bad. If my problems were bad then I would deserve attention and help, and I never really feel like I deserve those things.

But then.. as I listened to my session… it really does sound like I have a lot going on. We touched on so many topics: my dad’s roller coaster ride with cancer, where one day I’m contacting my adviser to find out the protocol for how to tell professors about a parent’s death.. then a week later he’s out of the hospital and “doing fine” ; my feelings of inadequacy in my major and the extreme pressure I put my self under, even when I’m at a 3.5 GPA ; the beginning stages of detachment and isolation from friends ; a recurring relationship with a guy who’s nothing like the guy I want, but it’s safe and comfortable so I do it anyway ; some feelings of incompetence living in a campus where the girls are all so gorgeous (my college is known for the beautiful girls.. all blonde and so many are very thin)..

And there were still some things I left out. So I guess that when I put it down on paper, it looks like I am dealing with a lot. But I still feel like my problems can’t be that bad, because, in the past, I’ve been told by people very close to me that my problems aren’t important and people go through worse things.. so I need to “suck it up”. Because of that, I always feel like my problems aren’t difficult, it’s just that I’m too weak to deal with the very minor things I’m going through. However, my therapist seemed to think my problems weren’t minor at all. She actually immediately said that I need to be put on the list for psychiatric care and medication (which I won’t get till winter break because the school psychiatric office is so backed up), and she set us up for another appointment right after Thanksgiving.

I called my mom afterwards and she was upset. She’s happy that I’m smart enough to seek help before things get too bad. She’s also happy that I think about my problems in a very objective manner, so I share everything with the therapist right away because if you have a problem and you’re too embarrassed to mention it.. it won’t get fixed, and that defeats the purpose of therapy. But, it’s really distressing to her that her daughter needs anti-depressants. It’s weird to think.. when did this happen. When did I become depressed? What happened that turned me down this road? No one expects this for their child or themselves, but it happens. I wish that it wasn’t so difficult to be happy, or even content.. but maybe it will be easy easier with medication. Maybe a huge part of this is my brain chemistry.

The answers to all my questions will come in time… but there is one thing I know. I am so happy for some things..

• I’m happy that I have no problems with seeking therapy and medication. I know it’s difficult and scary for some people to tackle their issues head-on, but I think it’s the best way to heal.
• I’m happy that I have supportive friends. I have told some of my friends about yesterday’s therapy and they’ve all been so happy that I went. They all think it’s great that I’m getting help and they all want the best for me.
• I’m happy that I have a very close relationship with my mom. She knows about everything. I don’t hide any part of this from her, and it helps so much. She’s very supportive and so loving. I have the best mom in the world (not to knock all your moms (; )

Well, I don’t know what else to say, but I think I’ve said a lot, lol. I love that the blog provides an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I’m sure I’ll be back soon, hope you will be too!

Stay positive,

Michelle

Good Morning

It may be cloudy and rainy outside, but I’m feeling cheery inside

I actually woke up to my alarm today! I left the apartment (with coffee in hand) at 6:30am and by 6:55am I was on my first machine at the gym. Today was a hardcore workout. I started off with one of the most intense elliptical sessions ever, which lasted 45 minutes. Then I did 10 minutes of speed walking on the treadmill at an 11.0 incline. I was bright beet red after cardio. I’m not one of those girls who look sexy at the gym.. I look like I’m working out! After cardio I did 15 strength training moves, hitting arms, legs, shoulders, back, and abs a couple times each. I finished with some deep stretching. All-in-all it was a long workout, roughly 1 hour 45 minutes, but it felt amazing.

One of the biggest changes between how I used to work out and working out now is how I spend my time in the gym. When I was obsessively body-conscious and self-critical, it was all about cardio. If I didn’t do an hour, I wasn’t working hard enough. An hour of cardio was the most important goal, even if it meant there was no time for strength training. I became 100% focused on calorie burn and forgot what exercising is really about, strengthening with variety.

Now, I do 30-45 minutes of cardio with each trip to the gym. I do at least ten minutes of strength training when I don’t have much time. When I do have time, I aim for 10-15 strength training moves. I also take the time to stretch. I never used to stretch at the gym, and I think that’s because I didn’t care about my body, I cared about how thin I was. In those days, stretching seemed like a waste of time, it doesn’t burn calories. These days I feel more connected to my body, so I take the time to stretch to show my body that appreciate the hard work it just did.

After the gym I walked home in the chilly rain and hopped into a hot shower the second I got into my apartment. At 9am I went to work making breakfast: oatmeal. What a warm, cozy, and comforting breakfast to have on a drizzly day. I made my oats with 1/2 c oatmeal, water, a few spoonfuls of protein powder, 3/4 banana sliced, a sprinkle of raisins, several shakes of cinnamon, and a doll-up of natural peanut butter on top. Mmm it was delicious.

An interesting fact: I don’t know if I’ve ever used 1/2 cup of oats to make oatmeal. I’ve always used 1/4 cup or 1/3 cup. I told myself that the 1/2 cup was too much because it’s 150 calories, which I thought was a lot for just a pile of oats. I also read a lot of food blogs and many writers say that they only use 1/4 or 1/3 cup oats in their oatmeal, so I thought that 1/2 cup was too much. That maybe I would be glutenous for using more than they did. But today, after my hard workout, I thought to myself… 1/2 cup sounds perfect to me! To most people, this internal conversation about oatmeal sounds silly or stupid. But for people who have dealt with food issues, it’s important to see that old rules can be broken, and that food choices are a very personal thing. You should never decide on how much food will satisfy your hunger based on how much others eat. Your hunger is unique to you, and you need to eat what makes you feel good. And my bowl of oats this morning made me feel all sorts of good!

Now I’m going to spend one more hour relaxing, followed by lunch, meetings, class, and studying. Busy day.

 

Michelle

Cookie Post

I just ate a very delicious chocolate chip cookie

at the library’s cafe.

And I didn’t feel bad afterwards.

Love,

Michelle

The Day Thus Far

Hey hey there. Happy Tuesday.

I started off my day by missing my alarm. I was supposed to wake up at 6am. I woke up at 5:40am thinking, “nice, 20 more minutes to sleep”. Then I woke up at 6:40am and thought “CRAP!!” I wanted to be at the gym by 6:45am, but the walk to the gym alone takes 15 minutes!! Thankfully, I put out clothes and packed my book bag the night before, so I was able to make up some of my 40 minutes lost.

Once I made it to the gym I did 30 minutes on the elliptical (last 8 minutes I was workin’ it out like a mad woman!) Then I did four arm exercises, some lunges, some squats and I was out the door. Three minutes later I sat down in my seat in my 8am class. By 10:45am I’d already worked out and had two classes. What a productive morning!

Unlike last year when all I wanted to do was burn as many calories as possible every time I was in the gym, this time I actually had a balanced workout, even though I was rushed for time. Last year with 45 minutes in the gym I would think that is not enough time. It needs to be all cardio. I wish it was 60 minutes. But now, I thought to myself OK 30 minutes cardio instead of 45 minutes won’t kill me, and doing some weight training is really important. What a great mentality shift.

Another thing to mention: unless I was going to the 7am Yoga class, last year I never went to the gym at 6:45am unless it was punishment. I would binge and then think to myself, “I’m disgusting and fat and I need to be at the gym first thing tomorrow to get rid of this”. Then I would go to the gym and the entire time negative self-talk would be blaring in my mind. Now, I go to the gym at 6:45am and I’m proud of myself for starting my day off on a healthy foot. It’s a positive experience now.

I ate my breakfast in two parts this morning: a banana right after the gym, and a (natural) PB & (all-fruit strawberry jam) J sammie on whole wheat. It was pretty delicious. I was always a grape jelly girl, but last week I got the strongest craving for strawberry jam (the good kind with the seeds in there!). So I got a jar this weekend, and this morning was my first time using it. Now I know why I was craving it!! I haven’t eaten a PB&J in years, probably because it packs a moderate caloric punch for a sandwich, and in the past that used to scare me. But now I think, whole grains + healthy fat + fruit sugar = energy! Energy to keep me going, help my brain function, and repair my body after a work out. Calories aren’t something to fear, they’re fuel

I got back to my apartment at 11am, and between showering, sending e-mails, and working on a problem in my end-of-the-semester project for class, I had used up all my time! I had to gather my things and head right back out the door for my 1pm appointment with my academic adviser. I had no time to eat lunch, but I did pack a snack and dinner for later in the day.

I didn’t end up eating until 2pm. I grabbed food from the food court on campus. I was originally planning on get the half-sized vegetarian roll with edamame, but since I hadn’t eaten in 4 1/2 hours, I went for the full-sized vegetarian roll. Honestly, are more carrots, cucumbers, avocado, and a small amount white rice going to kill me? No.

Plan for the rest of the day:

Study Macronutrients. I did horrible on the last exam. I had just come off of a week at home with my dad in the hospital, I had a huge migraine the night before the exam, and the morning of the exam my dad was admitted back into the hospital. It was not the best time for a major exam, and my grade definitely shows it. I pride myself on my school work, and it was a real blow to my ego when I got that grade back. I’m hoping to do way better on this exam. Wish me luck!!

I’ll be studying from now until 5pm, 5pm-7pm class, and then studying 7pm-9pm-ish. I won’t be back in my apartment until after 9pm (hence the packed food).

What’s in my nifty lunch bag you may ask…

• greek yogurt w/ strawberries and granola + almond slivers
• an entire red pepper chopped up and carrots with hummus
• mini salad w/ lite balsamic dressing
• triscuits with a laughing cow cheese

**And a chick-o-stick may have snuck into my book bag and been eaten when I was dragging after my meeting. If you don’t know what they are, they’re basically like the inside of a butterfinger rolled in toasted coconut. It’s been carried over from my vegan days to my vegetarian days. **

Plus I have a lot of edamame leftover from lunch. My lunch bag is seriously packed to the brim. It should keep me full throughout my day. In the past, days leading up to busy exams were triggers for binging and stress eating. Usually, that list of food would look more like CARBS CARBS CARBS. It would be completely unbalanced, and the frequent sugar high’s and crashes would suck my dry of the energy I needed to work. This time I’m trying to keep that under control. I think I’m doing a pretty good job :

OK, blogging is a GREAT distraction, but I need to study now. Have a great rest of your day, and I’ll see you all back here tomorrow!

Michelle

And can I just say, I’m really enjoying blogging again

Things Are About to Change

Hey everyone! Hope you are all doing well. I’m doing pretty good. Things have been quite busy.

I’m planning on making big changes to the blog. I’m going to change the focus from ED recovery to life after ED. As important as it is to talk about coping with disordered eating, it’s also important to acknowledge that your life doesn’t end with an eating disorder, but instead it begins anew once you’re far enough into recovery.

As part of this shift I would like to introduce myself, as Michelle. I used Emma K. as a “stage name” with the blog because it hit on such deep personal issues. Although I was comfortable sharing, I still wanted some level of privacy when it came to my identity. However, now that I have come so far in my journey I have no problem declaring my name on the blog. My name is Michelle, and although I have struggled with disordered eating in terms of both restricting and binging, I am not defined by my past or my struggles. I am defined by my present, my now.

Unfortunately, my once healthy eating and exercising habits were derailed by over a year of severely disordered eating. I really do love eating healthy food and breaking a sweat at the gym, but can you find balance with food and fitness after an eating disorder? Can you look at food as just food, not a judgment of your own self worth? Can you go to the gym and enjoy a good workout without wondering if you burned as many calories as possible?

I’m here to prove that you can! I’m here to prove that a healthy relationship with food and exercise does  have a place in your life, even after it’s been warped and manipulated for so long.

I’m also here to prove that self-improvement comes from within, not by the size you are, but by the fuel you give your body and the shape you keep it in.

This has been a challenging fall semester so far, and unfortunately at times it has affected by eating and exercising habits. I’ve still never had a binge like last year. Big success there. However, I have fallen prey to too much eating that was driven by emotions over hunger, and I’ve let negative feelings keep me out of the gym.

My depression has gotten much better since last year, but there are still some things I struggle with. It’s been a hard couple of months for the family, my dad’s been in the hospital for the majority of fall semester. There were times when we weren’t sure if he’d make it to the end of the year. It’s been emotionally taxing, but I’ve also expressed very little emotion over it openly. I’ve occasionally broken down with my mom, and once with my roommate. Otherwise, I talk about it as if I’m talking about the weather. Not that I don’t love him and don’t feel fear and sadness. But when it comes to expressing it, I draw a blank.

In general these days, I feel more numb than anything. I’m hoping that with a newfound commitment to healthy eating and getting to the gym, I can start to feel better. I always see a difference after a few days when I’m eating better, and exercise is like therapy. I really enjoy a good, heavy sweat. It’s like you release the negative and plus, at the gym I leave all my baggage at the door. The gym means time for me.

So there has to be a catch right? I mean there has to be a mandatory number of hours in the gym or miles ran a week. Or there has to be an absolute max calorie intake. Nope. All of those disordered thoughts have no place in this blog. I’m bringing healthy habits back into my daily life, for good. With everyday I hope to make choices that respect my body. By showing self-respect, you show yourself love, and then you can show others love too.

I do have some minor goals, and since my personality test for my business course assignment just said I’m very Type A, I’ll list them for you!

• Gym Mon-Fri @ 6:45am. Why so early? If I go when they open I have no excuses. There’s nothing else that I’d be doing at that hour than sleep, so if I get myself out of bed there’s no better place for me to be. I really like starting my day with exercise, and I am such a morning person. It’s also a great feeling to put in a really good workout, then check the clock and see it’s only 8:30am. How can you not feel like you have the world in the palm of your hands at that point??
• Take the time to make my meals. Sometimes when I get really depressed I feel like all the energy I have is to toast a bagel. But I’m never satisfied with that. I’m always satisfied with a meal I take time to make, and since it rarely takes more than 30 minutes, there’s no reason not too.
• Really listen to myself. Am I hungry? Did I just eat an hour ago? Is there something else going on? If there’s something else, then I’ll make an effort to focus on that, not avoid it by eating. If I’m genuinely hungry, then I’ll eat. Sometimes a lunch that’s really delicious just isn’t fully satisfying to your hunger and you have to eat an hour later. Other days you’ll eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and have no hunger in between. You can’t predict your body’s needs, or tell it what it needs, but you can listen to your natural cues and respect them. So if my body says “Feed me, I’m sad” then I’ll call my mom, or watch a comedy, or reach out to a friend. If my body says “Feed me, I’m hungry!” then bring on the food
• NO SPECIFIC RULES ON FOOD. No “avoid all processed foods” or “no nighttime eating” or “only three servings of bread a day”. Throw all that disordered trash out the window! I know how to eat healthy (it’s my major!), so why couldn’t I just trust myself in the past?! I don’t know, but now I am resolving to trust my instincts, they will treat me well.
• Get strong, not skinny! I want to look toned and healthy, not frail or weak. I want to have meat on my bones, I want to fill out my figure, but I also want it to be a fit figure, one that can stand up for itself.

So, I’d like to conclude this lengthy post by saying, I’m taking control of my health and my well-being in a post-ED life. I’m looking at food and exercise the way I used to. I’m moving beyond my past insecurities and difficulties. I’m moving on to a better me. I’m definitely happier and healthier than I was this time last year, but (in the words of Emeril), it’s time to kick it up a notch!

Your Friend,

Michelle

 

It’s the Little Differences that Mean Big Change

I am so happy to see this week come to an end. The weekend won’t be a real weekend because I’m working, a lot, (roughly 22 hours), but at least it’s just work.. not work/class/clubs.

Tomorrow brings the end of my training at the Irish Pub. I’m done taking all the tests, done following, just need to validate (serve the managers) and then I’ll get a little section of like 2-3 tables for my first shift– a Saturday night. All this past week I was really nervous about the job, and second guessed whether or not it was the right decision. But last night was an awesome training shift and now I feel much more confident. I worked 11 hours (!!!) worked my butt off, and took some tables all by myself with lots of success. I really impressed the waiter training me (beating him to the punch sometimes on refills & checks!) and really getting into a flow with the waitressing. I even made tips from the tables that I served! I walked out with $19.50 in cash (on top of trainee salary). One table loved me so much they gave me a $13 tip on a $22 tab. I also impressed the trainer when he gave me two challenges that he thought were impossible: make the rounds to ask about coffee or dessert at midnight and go out the the back patio at 12:30am and see if I could get anyone to order anything. Well I passed his test with flying colors. I had two gentlemen order coffee and the first table I approached on the patio ordered three drinks, a side of fries, and two burgers. Finally I felt like I was getting some reassurance, like I could actually do this job, make good money, and not stress out. All this week I stressed before every shift, worried I would under-perform or make stupid mistakes. Now I’m looking forward to future shifts.

One little thing that happened last night which made me feel like I’m really making progress: after work I didn’t binge. I had two little bite sized snickers (even smaller than halloween size) and a kashi bar. Then I went to bed. Last year, after an 11 hour shift at the pizza shop ( a shift that was less hectic and draining than the pub), I would sit down in my dorm and eat. Bowls of cereal, granola bars, trail mix, cookies, pretzels, peanut butter, chips…I would stuff myself to the brim until I was in pain, crawl to bed, and then lay there curled up, waiting for sleep to come so I could forget about what I’d done. At the end of this shift, I had a nibble because I was genuinely hungry, but then stopped and slept. Hunger cues can be misleading, and many times what feels like hunger is actual exhaustion. It’s a fact that I am depleted after a long night of work. This does not mean that I need to refuel with food, it means I need to reboot with sleep. I am now listening to my body better and taking the time to figure out my feelings before I choose a way to mend them. It’s funny how a kashi bar can be so significant, but eating that granola bar last night and then settling into bed meant that I have moved forward with recovery and really succeeded in changing old habits, even when faced with challenging circumstances. I was so worried that, no matter how much work I thought I had done on myself this summer, going back into my old environment with it’s all-too-familiar triggers would spell failure. Yet, with all this stress (trigger), over-packed schedule (trigger), lack of sleep (trigger), and tiresome work (trigger), I still have had no binges to report. Of course, I need to stay on top of things because one successful week does not mean I’m cured and the rest of the year will certainly not be a breeze, but this week has made me feel secure in myself and my ability to change. I am a new, refreshed version of myself this year. No one can take that away from me.

Whether you’re stuck in the tormenting state of disordered eating or depression, actively working on recovery, or three years out of recovery, remember that you choose the course of your life. Be the positive force in your own life. Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Even a happy life, free of restriction, guilt, and misery.

And if nothing else, you inspire me. Take pride in that.

Emma K.

Time Flies..

My head is spinning! I can’t believe I moved into my apartment 5 days ago. I have no idea where the time went, it’s all a blur. I’ve been so incredibly busy that it’s hard to keep the days straight, and classes haven’t even started yet. I’m exhausted, and I’m 100% booked for the next week, but maybe it will calm down after that.

Work is crazy and they have me for 30 hours this week to get all my training done. After this week I should be doing only 2 days a week at the restaurant, and picking up extra work over at the pizza joint (they gave me a raise when I said I would grab occasional shifts!) I’m really nervous about validating on Friday (serving the managers). I want to do well and impress them but it’s my first waitressing job so I feel like there’s still going to be so much I don’t know by then. Oh dear, in a few months I’ll have it all down like the back of my hand, but right now it’s scary.

Eating has been going consistently pretty well. I’ve been so busy that there’s really no time to think about food! I eat my meals (never skipping) and then don’t think about it afterwards. Not having the free time to sit around and think about food has been such a major help. These past days I’ve just been eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m done, and moving on with life. Giving food the amount of attention it deserves and nothing more feels so freeing.

Seeing everyone since coming back in town has also been a great self esteem boost. Last year I was so painfully antisocial and anxiety-ridden when I was around others that I couldn’t enjoy company. This year already seems worlds better. I have had a great time catching up with people, and I already have two lunch dates this week with two different guys! One is just a friend who’s taking a grad class this fall. He needed someone to go to lunch with on Tues/Thur after he gets out of class at 10:45am. I happen to also get out of class at 10:45am so we decided that I would be his lunch buddy on the first day of classes. However, my other lunch “date” is with the guy I like! He still has the gf, so it’s not an actual date. But it is the first time that we are seeing each other since I moved in ,and I’m really looking forward to it. It actually took us a few days to even get in contact with one another, but our phone conversation yesterday was fantastic. It flowed so easily, like we’d been hanging out all summer. I’ll make sure to post about our lunch on Wednesday.

Today’s agenda: Sit around the apartment until 3:30pm relaxing/studying the pub menu. 4pm till ??? I’ll be at the pub training. Then my lovely friend Brendan is going to walk me home to my apartment where we’ll be able to catch up. Hopefully I’ll be in bed by midnight or soon after because I have an early morning tomorrow, first day of classes and I have an 8am! This is going to be one ridiculous semester.

-Emma K.

Quick Little Update Post

Hey everyone! I’m officially all moved into the apartment with only a few things still to get. We moved in on Wednesday and although it was exhausting it went very smoothly. Yesterday was my first day at my new Irish pub job. Not much to report on yesterday, future shifts are sure to be more exciting. They basically own my life though for the next 10 days because we need to get (NINE) training shifts done with ASAP. I’m doing a double today (11am training/5pm training), a total of roughly 30 training hours, 12 serving hours, and I think I’m also going to be picking up 10 extra hours at my old job on top of that just to stay on their good side because I loved them and feel bad for quitting, even though I know waitressing is a HUGE step up salary-wise.

My first two waitressing shifts are going to be ridiculous: saturday dinner & sunday brunch. Saturday dinner their going to only have me on a two table section (I’ll only get like half the tips, but fine by me… two tables on a Saturday will be crazy enough when this if my first waitressing shift ever). Oddly enough, out of the four girls training yesterday, I have the least experience, but I’m the first one to do a serving shift on my own. Gotta prove myself! Also found out that they have a gigantic stack of applications and only hired 4 people, so I am beyond lucky that I got this job, especially with no experience. I have no idea how it happened, but I’m looking forward to working hard and showing them that hiring me was the right thing to do. Everyone there seemed super nice also, major plus. More pub updates to come in the future.

Food wise, first two days in the apartment were fantastic. I’ve been so busy that there was barely any time to think about food! No late night bingeing temptations. In fact, at home I usually have a nighttime snack every night, the first two days in the apartment I didn’t. I was satisfied with my dinners, quickly changed course and thought about things that weren’t food, and stayed busy until I went to bed. I think that at home I felt like my PM snack was something to look forward to, something fun about my day. But now since I have so much going on the only time I eat is when it really dawns on me that I’m hungry. Of course, I’m making all these statements based on only two days in the apartment, but still… I think that this will remain (mostly) true for the entire year.

Well just thought I would check in. I’m do fantastic, working hard already even though classes don’t even start until Tuesday, and having a great time. The next two weeks are going to be crazy between getting through waitress training, picking up extra shifts at the calzone shop, starting classes, and jumping into club exec board duties. Come mid-September things will calm down, I’ll get into a more steady routine, and I’ll be able to post about one or two days at a time instead of 5-7. But until then, I’ll do general updates.

Stay positive girls! And remember, that you are always exceptional. I don’t know of finer women than the ones in the blogging community, and you all prove that every single time that I post. I thank you again for all your support. I look forward to talking to you soon.

Emma K.

Hello, My Name is Emma, and I’ve Been a Bad Blogger

Hello beauties!

Do you hate me? Oh god, I’m awful. Leaving you all like that for so long without even a warning! Ugh, please forgive me. I’m so sorry. As the title clearly states, I’ve been a bad blogger. Life was crazy in August w/ my job and volunteering, and I guess I thought that there wasn’t enough time for blogging but that I would get back to it ASAP. Well the problem with that is, when I go on unannounced breaks I’m always afraid to come back because I feel like I’ll have a million angry comments asking me where I’ve been and why I’m letting the blog go. But, after reading some very kind emails and comments I realized that you all are the most fabulous, understanding, caring people in the world. Yet another reason why you all deserve the best. Love you ALL!!! Hope you are all doing well and staying strong and healthy.

Soooo, lets sit and gab, ladies! It’s GIRL CHAT TIME! Shall we catch up??

Oh dear, I need to stop these unannounced hiatuses just so I don’t end up doing these super long posts! They must be daunting to read.

My life is about to turn upside down. I’m going back to school on Wednesday (one day stands between me and the next school year) and SO many things are running through my head. Here are all the new things I have coming at me this year:

• New Apartment: Finally leaving the dorm! New apartment, 2 bedroom-2 bathroom-kitchen-living room-private laundry shared with one other girl, which means PRIVATE ROOM AND PRIVATE BATH. Hello, girl’s heaven?!?
  
• New Roommate: Never had a roommate before in two years of college (which is convenient at times, but actually extremely lonely) and now, not only do I have a roomie, but it’s my best friend at school. She’s vegetarian, like me; nutrition major, like me; foodie, like me; and we’re basically a perfect match.
• New classes, 4 out of 5 classes are nutrition (two of them are super boring and about running cafeterias, but the other two are cool) and one online course. My schedule is very easy this semester, which is a blessing because I have a…
• New Job!: Drove two hours to school last Thursday, applied to a few restaurants, got hired on the spot as a waitress at my 4th stop, and turned right around and drove home. It took me an hour to find a job, with NO waitressing experience. I have no idea how I did it! I can only imagine that the manager thought that I was cute and had a good personality, so he thought he’d take a chance on me. I’m super lucky. My first day is Thursday (the day after I move in). Wish me luck! Any experienced waitresses out there have any words of advice?
• New responsibilities: I’m the Newsletter Chair of the Nutrition & Dietetics Club and the Vice President of Supportive Services for the Eating Disorder Awareness Committee. These are both brand new positions to me, I was elected to these titles at the very end of Sophomore Spring semester and haven’t had to do anything for them yet.

So much! Really exciting, right? But there’s also some scary things about starting a new year:

• Fear: I’m scared of falling prey to my inner demons again. I’m scared of letting the stress of school and work get to me and ruin me again. I’m scared of slipping back into old habits. It’s hard for me to remember memories of school from before I was depressed. When I think of school, I automatically think of Sophomore year, which was the most painful time of my life. I’m afraid that I associate school with depression and bingeing now, and that summer was only successful because I was home. Going back to an environment that is potentially destructive is scary.
• Doubt: What if I’m not ready? What if I didn’t do all that I could this summer? What if I’m not prepared for going back to school? So much doubt accompanies embarking on a new situation.
  
• Hesitation: I really like a guy at school, but he has a girlfriend so I can’t pursue anything. (I’m a classy broad, like the rest of you, and we don’t chase taken men!… We just secretly wish they’d open their eyes and see us! ) But when I seriously think about dating him, or any guy, I start thinking about the unresolved issues from my first (and last) relationship that still haunt me. I wonder if I can ever be with someone if I have these issues following me into my next relationship.

No wonder I have felt so uneasy this past week. So much is changing in my life and there are some possible MAJOR challenges facing me, it’s pretty intense. I’ve been emotionally more uneasy this week, and I will admit I did overeat on several occasions. But, I never binged and I’m keeping my head up! I think the anticipation is scarier than what’s actually facing me,and that I will have a VERY good school year.
But, hello, can we talk about packing for an apartment…

It’s insanity! I haven’t even packed clothing yet! That’s the last thing because it’s going to be the hardest part.. it’s the activity for the momma and me tomorrow night. I absolutely hate packing but I looooove moving in! I really enjoy starting up fresh, setting up my own environment, and kicking off a new school year with a perfectly organized living space.

So in the spirit of starting a new school year and “starting fresh”, here are my goals for fall semester:

1. Maintain a healthy, balanced, adequate, and not perfect diet along with a fitness plan that works with my schedule.
2. Excel at my new job.
3. Keep my personal space clean, organized, and peaceful.
4. Maintain or exceed my current GPA.
5. Make new friendships and reach out to people. Be social and have fun.
6. Maintain habits that help me destress (because stress is a major trigger for bingeing) including yoga, reading fiction books, cooking & baking, journaling, blogging, getting massages, etc.
7. Keep a conscious check on myself, listen to myself and my thoughts, and honor myself not punish myself.
8. Actively pursue happiness and try not to dwell on feelings of sadness, stress, or loneliness.

The best part about my list?? That it doesn’t include statements like..

• This fall I will lose 10 lbs.
• This fall I will exercise 6 days a week for an hour each day.
• This fall I will eat no junk food.
• This fall I will get a boyfriend.

These are not realistic goals. Their superficial and, to be honest, not very motivating. I get more excited about embarking on a new year looking at my real list of goals than looking at these lame goals. I am so much more than the food I eat, the calories I burn, and the number of dates I go on. With this in mind, I know that my junior year will far outshine my sophomore year.

Are you experiencing new changes in your life? New school year, new job, new relationships? Does it excite you or scare you? No matter what the challenges are that face you, remember that you can tackle them! You are beautiful, strong, and smart. Obstacles can’t stop you, they only make stronger. When you feel the need to turn to unhealthy food and exercise habits as a way to deal with life’s difficult moments, take a moment, breathe, and realize that there are more options out there. A fabulous woman, like yourself, needs options.. and honey, the food & exercise obsession option has not been working. So take a walk with a friend, call family, wrap yourself up with a book a blanket and a cup of tea. Do whatever you can to keep yourself healthy and sane.

I hope that was a good post and not just a ramble! If you’ve made it all the way to here, you’re amazing. And I promise that I will get back into the blogging world on a more routine schedule. I’m hoping that amongst all the madness of this year, I can blog a few times a week. Knowing all of you are there is the best motivation of all, because my blog sisters are fabulous.

Your Friend,

Emma K.

Going Beyond the Size on the Tag

Hi everyone!

I am quite pleased to announce that I am still going strong and doing well. This next week is my last week volunteering at the hospital and I can count the days that I have left at the restaurant on one hand. I can’t even begin to describe how excited this makes me, and how desperate I am to get to the finish line, enjoy 7 days of peace & quiet, and then ship off to the new apartment.

I did some shopping last weekend with my mom, and it went really well. I got a ton of jeans (old navy = jean heaven) and a couple of tops. Jeans shopping is always really tough for me. Jeans are what frustrate me, upset me, and make me shed tears in the dressing room, but not this time! I reasoned with myself and went beyond the size. I said to myself “It doesn’t matter what the size is, it matters that they look good on you. No one knows the size of your jeans but they can tell when you’re spilling over the top of them or when you’re swimming in them. I went in with a clear purpose and focus… get what makes YOU look great, don’t dwell on the size. This was the first real big shopping trip I had done in a year. The last time I shopped like this I was a size 1 from obsessive exercising and under-eating last summer. I didn’t know how it would go. So many thoughts were running through my head:

Would I regret not being the size that I was last summer? Would I hate myself for not being skinnier and end up running home to the kitchen cabinets, drowning my fears of being inadequate by bingeing? Would all my hard work go to waste when I ended up crying because a pair of jeans wouldn’t zip and I just positively could not STAND going up one more size?

Luckily I ended up not giving the sizes on the pants any value beyond silly numbers, I did not get worked up, and I recognized that I am actually much healthier looking now than I was last summer.

In fact, I was cleaning out my room this week and decided to throw out the last of my old clothes from last summer. It shocked me how small some of the things were. They looked like children’s clothes! Not something a 20 year old should be wearing. No room for hips or butt or breast… just a little stick. It’s a huge relief to know that the impossibly thin me is not something to desire or glorify. It was unhealthy and it was a major factor in my binge eating disorder and depression. I never want to look like that again, I’ll take a shapelier healthier happier figure over some boring pole any day!

Now, on to more frivolous topics…

I saw Julie & Julia today with my mom.

It was adorable! Meryl Streep did an outstanding job taking on the role of Julia Child, and Amy Adams was charming (as always). I loved seeing the two stories intertwined but never meeting. Taking a look into Julia Child’s personal life was really interesting, and Meryl Streep had some hilarious, laugh-out loud moments with the character. Plus, I just loved the absolute passion for food and cooking that the two stories had. I think that cooking is a beautiful form of expression and creativity, making something exquisite from individual ingredients that are rather bland or unappealing on their own. To think, that for years of my life I have stressed over food, restricted food, called it “good” or “bad” based on calories and fat grams, and did everything in my power to pick apart at one of the most pleasurable parts of our life. Food is love. Food is an experience. Food is beautiful. I will never be afraid of food again. Instead I will enjoy every bite of my life, as Julia Child did until she died at 91. (I think the cooking and the eating kept her going!)

In music, I’m currently obsessed with Kings of Leon. Love, love, love. Their new song “Use Somebody” is fantastic, but I really enjoy rocking out to “Sex on Fire” (both from their album Only By the Night)

I finished the books I was reading last week (Twilight and HP #1), and have since started New Moon, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and have acquired HP #2 but haven’t started. It was hard reading this week when I was busy, but I’m going to try to fit it in when I can because I really enjoy it! Here’s how I felt about my first two summer reads:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Even better than I remembered, J.K. Rowling does a marvelous job of combining suspense, adventure, humor, and magic. She takes care in creating her characters, bringing depth and dimensions to each and every one. She also is a genius for creating a wizard world with it’s own school, bank system, sporting games, vocabulary, etc. It’s so far removed from the human world, it’s almost unbelievable that one person could dream of all this. I can’t wait to read the rest!

Twilight

A fairly interesting storyline with intriguing characters, but poorly written and repetitious. The author used the same words over and over again (beautiful, incredulous, dazzling) and they quickly became trite and annoying. Bella is simply foolish, falling hard for a vampire and then wanting to devote her entire life to him while she barely even knows him, but she does have some endearing moments and a few good sarcastic remarks. Edward is the only reason why Stephanie Meyer should have gotten this book deal, she did a superb job of depicting a creature conflicted between love and nature, unsure of whether or not it can care for something it’s tempted to eat. Edward is the reason why I am continuing on with the series (plus I hear they get pretty steamy… and I bet vampire sex is a spectacle!) One major disappointment: the big showdown between Edward and the bad vampire James was NOT played out in the book! Bella gets thrown against a wall, blacks out, and wakes up in a hospital. WHAT?!?! If vampires are gonna unleash their deadly side, tell me about it! HUGE bummer.

After reading the book, I watched the movie Twilight. Horrible. I didn’t think the actors could really portray the roles well enough, the script seemed to be very messy and all over the place, leaving out key pieces of dialog and interactions that make the romance more plausible, and I thought that their attempt at artistic imagery actually made the movie look cheesy. I recommend the book over the movie, by far.

Plans on my agenda for the rest of the weekend? Well tonight I am going to read (if my tired eyes can manage), do some blog reading, and eat a juicy peach (been craving one all day). Tomorrow I am going shopping while everyone hits the beach (a good distraction from my medication induced skin sensitivity.) I plan on doing some major damage at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and Old Navy to name a few. A girl deserves rewards for working hard all summer! I’m hoping to hunt down a pair of white jeans (maybe with a little distressing detail), but I’m nervous about the pale skin/white jean combination. What do you all think? Can my pale skin pull off some rockin’ white denim?? Other things on the shopping list:

Feminine Dresses

Flirty Skirts

and Pretty Tops

Wish me luck with my shopping trip! Hopefully I’ll come home with tons of loot to tell you all about.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Take care and remember to eat with care. <3