It’s the Little Differences that Mean Big Change

I am so happy to see this week come to an end. The weekend won’t be a real weekend because I’m working, a lot, (roughly 22 hours), but at least it’s just work.. not work/class/clubs.

Tomorrow brings the end of my training at the Irish Pub. I’m done taking all the tests, done following, just need to validate (serve the managers) and then I’ll get a little section of like 2-3 tables for my first shift– a Saturday night. All this past week I was really nervous about the job, and second guessed whether or not it was the right decision. But last night was an awesome training shift and now I feel much more confident. I worked 11 hours (!!!) worked my butt off, and took some tables all by myself with lots of success. I really impressed the waiter training me (beating him to the punch sometimes on refills & checks!) and really getting into a flow with the waitressing. I even made tips from the tables that I served! I walked out with $19.50 in cash (on top of trainee salary). One table loved me so much they gave me a $13 tip on a $22 tab. I also impressed the trainer when he gave me two challenges that he thought were impossible: make the rounds to ask about coffee or dessert at midnight and go out the the back patio at 12:30am and see if I could get anyone to order anything. Well I passed his test with flying colors. I had two gentlemen order coffee and the first table I approached on the patio ordered three drinks, a side of fries, and two burgers. Finally I felt like I was getting some reassurance, like I could actually do this job, make good money, and not stress out. All this week I stressed before every shift, worried I would under-perform or make stupid mistakes. Now I’m looking forward to future shifts.

One little thing that happened last night which made me feel like I’m really making progress: after work I didn’t binge. I had two little bite sized snickers (even smaller than halloween size) and a kashi bar. Then I went to bed. Last year, after an 11 hour shift at the pizza shop ( a shift that was less hectic and draining than the pub), I would sit down in my dorm and eat. Bowls of cereal, granola bars, trail mix, cookies, pretzels, peanut butter, chips…I would stuff myself to the brim until I was in pain, crawl to bed, and then lay there curled up, waiting for sleep to come so I could forget about what I’d done. At the end of this shift, I had a nibble because I was genuinely hungry, but then stopped and slept. Hunger cues can be misleading, and many times what feels like hunger is actual exhaustion. It’s a fact that I am depleted after a long night of work. This does not mean that I need to refuel with food, it means I need to reboot with sleep. I am now listening to my body better and taking the time to figure out my feelings before I choose a way to mend them. It’s funny how a kashi bar can be so significant, but eating that granola bar last night and then settling into bed meant that I have moved forward with recovery and really succeeded in changing old habits, even when faced with challenging circumstances. I was so worried that, no matter how much work I thought I had done on myself this summer, going back into my old environment with it’s all-too-familiar triggers would spell failure. Yet, with all this stress (trigger), over-packed schedule (trigger), lack of sleep (trigger), and tiresome work (trigger), I still have had no binges to report. Of course, I need to stay on top of things because one successful week does not mean I’m cured and the rest of the year will certainly not be a breeze, but this week has made me feel secure in myself and my ability to change. I am a new, refreshed version of myself this year. No one can take that away from me.

Whether you’re stuck in the tormenting state of disordered eating or depression, actively working on recovery, or three years out of recovery, remember that you choose the course of your life. Be the positive force in your own life. Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Even a happy life, free of restriction, guilt, and misery.

And if nothing else, you inspire me. Take pride in that.

Emma K.

Time Flies..

My head is spinning! I can’t believe I moved into my apartment 5 days ago. I have no idea where the time went, it’s all a blur. I’ve been so incredibly busy that it’s hard to keep the days straight, and classes haven’t even started yet. I’m exhausted, and I’m 100% booked for the next week, but maybe it will calm down after that.

Work is crazy and they have me for 30 hours this week to get all my training done. After this week I should be doing only 2 days a week at the restaurant, and picking up extra work over at the pizza joint (they gave me a raise when I said I would grab occasional shifts!) I’m really nervous about validating on Friday (serving the managers). I want to do well and impress them but it’s my first waitressing job so I feel like there’s still going to be so much I don’t know by then. Oh dear, in a few months I’ll have it all down like the back of my hand, but right now it’s scary.

Eating has been going consistently pretty well. I’ve been so busy that there’s really no time to think about food! I eat my meals (never skipping) and then don’t think about it afterwards. Not having the free time to sit around and think about food has been such a major help. These past days I’ve just been eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m done, and moving on with life. Giving food the amount of attention it deserves and nothing more feels so freeing.

Seeing everyone since coming back in town has also been a great self esteem boost. Last year I was so painfully antisocial and anxiety-ridden when I was around others that I couldn’t enjoy company. This year already seems worlds better. I have had a great time catching up with people, and I already have two lunch dates this week with two different guys! One is just a friend who’s taking a grad class this fall. He needed someone to go to lunch with on Tues/Thur after he gets out of class at 10:45am. I happen to also get out of class at 10:45am so we decided that I would be his lunch buddy on the first day of classes. However, my other lunch “date” is with the guy I like! He still has the gf, so it’s not an actual date. But it is the first time that we are seeing each other since I moved in ,and I’m really looking forward to it. It actually took us a few days to even get in contact with one another, but our phone conversation yesterday was fantastic. It flowed so easily, like we’d been hanging out all summer. I’ll make sure to post about our lunch on Wednesday.

Today’s agenda: Sit around the apartment until 3:30pm relaxing/studying the pub menu. 4pm till ??? I’ll be at the pub training. Then my lovely friend Brendan is going to walk me home to my apartment where we’ll be able to catch up. Hopefully I’ll be in bed by midnight or soon after because I have an early morning tomorrow, first day of classes and I have an 8am! This is going to be one ridiculous semester.

-Emma K.

Quick Little Update Post

Hey everyone! I’m officially all moved into the apartment with only a few things still to get. We moved in on Wednesday and although it was exhausting it went very smoothly. Yesterday was my first day at my new Irish pub job. Not much to report on yesterday, future shifts are sure to be more exciting. They basically own my life though for the next 10 days because we need to get (NINE) training shifts done with ASAP. I’m doing a double today (11am training/5pm training), a total of roughly 30 training hours, 12 serving hours, and I think I’m also going to be picking up 10 extra hours at my old job on top of that just to stay on their good side because I loved them and feel bad for quitting, even though I know waitressing is a HUGE step up salary-wise.

My first two waitressing shifts are going to be ridiculous: saturday dinner & sunday brunch. Saturday dinner their going to only have me on a two table section (I’ll only get like half the tips, but fine by me… two tables on a Saturday will be crazy enough when this if my first waitressing shift ever). Oddly enough, out of the four girls training yesterday, I have the least experience, but I’m the first one to do a serving shift on my own. Gotta prove myself! Also found out that they have a gigantic stack of applications and only hired 4 people, so I am beyond lucky that I got this job, especially with no experience. I have no idea how it happened, but I’m looking forward to working hard and showing them that hiring me was the right thing to do. Everyone there seemed super nice also, major plus. More pub updates to come in the future.

Food wise, first two days in the apartment were fantastic. I’ve been so busy that there was barely any time to think about food! No late night bingeing temptations. In fact, at home I usually have a nighttime snack every night, the first two days in the apartment I didn’t. I was satisfied with my dinners, quickly changed course and thought about things that weren’t food, and stayed busy until I went to bed. I think that at home I felt like my PM snack was something to look forward to, something fun about my day. But now since I have so much going on the only time I eat is when it really dawns on me that I’m hungry. Of course, I’m making all these statements based on only two days in the apartment, but still… I think that this will remain (mostly) true for the entire year.

Well just thought I would check in. I’m do fantastic, working hard already even though classes don’t even start until Tuesday, and having a great time. The next two weeks are going to be crazy between getting through waitress training, picking up extra shifts at the calzone shop, starting classes, and jumping into club exec board duties. Come mid-September things will calm down, I’ll get into a more steady routine, and I’ll be able to post about one or two days at a time instead of 5-7. But until then, I’ll do general updates.

Stay positive girls! And remember, that you are always exceptional. I don’t know of finer women than the ones in the blogging community, and you all prove that every single time that I post. I thank you again for all your support. I look forward to talking to you soon.

Emma K.

Hello, My Name is Emma, and I’ve Been a Bad Blogger

Hello beauties!

Do you hate me? Oh god, I’m awful. Leaving you all like that for so long without even a warning! Ugh, please forgive me. I’m so sorry. As the title clearly states, I’ve been a bad blogger. Life was crazy in August w/ my job and volunteering, and I guess I thought that there wasn’t enough time for blogging but that I would get back to it ASAP. Well the problem with that is, when I go on unannounced breaks I’m always afraid to come back because I feel like I’ll have a million angry comments asking me where I’ve been and why I’m letting the blog go. But, after reading some very kind emails and comments I realized that you all are the most fabulous, understanding, caring people in the world. Yet another reason why you all deserve the best. Love you ALL!!! Hope you are all doing well and staying strong and healthy.

Soooo, lets sit and gab, ladies! It’s GIRL CHAT TIME! Shall we catch up??

Oh dear, I need to stop these unannounced hiatuses just so I don’t end up doing these super long posts! They must be daunting to read.

My life is about to turn upside down. I’m going back to school on Wednesday (one day stands between me and the next school year) and SO many things are running through my head. Here are all the new things I have coming at me this year:

• New Apartment: Finally leaving the dorm! New apartment, 2 bedroom-2 bathroom-kitchen-living room-private laundry shared with one other girl, which means PRIVATE ROOM AND PRIVATE BATH. Hello, girl’s heaven?!?
  
• New Roommate: Never had a roommate before in two years of college (which is convenient at times, but actually extremely lonely) and now, not only do I have a roomie, but it’s my best friend at school. She’s vegetarian, like me; nutrition major, like me; foodie, like me; and we’re basically a perfect match.
• New classes, 4 out of 5 classes are nutrition (two of them are super boring and about running cafeterias, but the other two are cool) and one online course. My schedule is very easy this semester, which is a blessing because I have a…
• New Job!: Drove two hours to school last Thursday, applied to a few restaurants, got hired on the spot as a waitress at my 4th stop, and turned right around and drove home. It took me an hour to find a job, with NO waitressing experience. I have no idea how I did it! I can only imagine that the manager thought that I was cute and had a good personality, so he thought he’d take a chance on me. I’m super lucky. My first day is Thursday (the day after I move in). Wish me luck! Any experienced waitresses out there have any words of advice?
• New responsibilities: I’m the Newsletter Chair of the Nutrition & Dietetics Club and the Vice President of Supportive Services for the Eating Disorder Awareness Committee. These are both brand new positions to me, I was elected to these titles at the very end of Sophomore Spring semester and haven’t had to do anything for them yet.

So much! Really exciting, right? But there’s also some scary things about starting a new year:

• Fear: I’m scared of falling prey to my inner demons again. I’m scared of letting the stress of school and work get to me and ruin me again. I’m scared of slipping back into old habits. It’s hard for me to remember memories of school from before I was depressed. When I think of school, I automatically think of Sophomore year, which was the most painful time of my life. I’m afraid that I associate school with depression and bingeing now, and that summer was only successful because I was home. Going back to an environment that is potentially destructive is scary.
• Doubt: What if I’m not ready? What if I didn’t do all that I could this summer? What if I’m not prepared for going back to school? So much doubt accompanies embarking on a new situation.
  
• Hesitation: I really like a guy at school, but he has a girlfriend so I can’t pursue anything. (I’m a classy broad, like the rest of you, and we don’t chase taken men!… We just secretly wish they’d open their eyes and see us! ) But when I seriously think about dating him, or any guy, I start thinking about the unresolved issues from my first (and last) relationship that still haunt me. I wonder if I can ever be with someone if I have these issues following me into my next relationship.

No wonder I have felt so uneasy this past week. So much is changing in my life and there are some possible MAJOR challenges facing me, it’s pretty intense. I’ve been emotionally more uneasy this week, and I will admit I did overeat on several occasions. But, I never binged and I’m keeping my head up! I think the anticipation is scarier than what’s actually facing me,and that I will have a VERY good school year.
But, hello, can we talk about packing for an apartment…

It’s insanity! I haven’t even packed clothing yet! That’s the last thing because it’s going to be the hardest part.. it’s the activity for the momma and me tomorrow night. I absolutely hate packing but I looooove moving in! I really enjoy starting up fresh, setting up my own environment, and kicking off a new school year with a perfectly organized living space.

So in the spirit of starting a new school year and “starting fresh”, here are my goals for fall semester:

1. Maintain a healthy, balanced, adequate, and not perfect diet along with a fitness plan that works with my schedule.
2. Excel at my new job.
3. Keep my personal space clean, organized, and peaceful.
4. Maintain or exceed my current GPA.
5. Make new friendships and reach out to people. Be social and have fun.
6. Maintain habits that help me destress (because stress is a major trigger for bingeing) including yoga, reading fiction books, cooking & baking, journaling, blogging, getting massages, etc.
7. Keep a conscious check on myself, listen to myself and my thoughts, and honor myself not punish myself.
8. Actively pursue happiness and try not to dwell on feelings of sadness, stress, or loneliness.

The best part about my list?? That it doesn’t include statements like..

• This fall I will lose 10 lbs.
• This fall I will exercise 6 days a week for an hour each day.
• This fall I will eat no junk food.
• This fall I will get a boyfriend.

These are not realistic goals. Their superficial and, to be honest, not very motivating. I get more excited about embarking on a new year looking at my real list of goals than looking at these lame goals. I am so much more than the food I eat, the calories I burn, and the number of dates I go on. With this in mind, I know that my junior year will far outshine my sophomore year.

Are you experiencing new changes in your life? New school year, new job, new relationships? Does it excite you or scare you? No matter what the challenges are that face you, remember that you can tackle them! You are beautiful, strong, and smart. Obstacles can’t stop you, they only make stronger. When you feel the need to turn to unhealthy food and exercise habits as a way to deal with life’s difficult moments, take a moment, breathe, and realize that there are more options out there. A fabulous woman, like yourself, needs options.. and honey, the food & exercise obsession option has not been working. So take a walk with a friend, call family, wrap yourself up with a book a blanket and a cup of tea. Do whatever you can to keep yourself healthy and sane.

I hope that was a good post and not just a ramble! If you’ve made it all the way to here, you’re amazing. And I promise that I will get back into the blogging world on a more routine schedule. I’m hoping that amongst all the madness of this year, I can blog a few times a week. Knowing all of you are there is the best motivation of all, because my blog sisters are fabulous.

Your Friend,

Emma K.

Going Beyond the Size on the Tag

Hi everyone!

I am quite pleased to announce that I am still going strong and doing well. This next week is my last week volunteering at the hospital and I can count the days that I have left at the restaurant on one hand. I can’t even begin to describe how excited this makes me, and how desperate I am to get to the finish line, enjoy 7 days of peace & quiet, and then ship off to the new apartment.

I did some shopping last weekend with my mom, and it went really well. I got a ton of jeans (old navy = jean heaven) and a couple of tops. Jeans shopping is always really tough for me. Jeans are what frustrate me, upset me, and make me shed tears in the dressing room, but not this time! I reasoned with myself and went beyond the size. I said to myself “It doesn’t matter what the size is, it matters that they look good on you. No one knows the size of your jeans but they can tell when you’re spilling over the top of them or when you’re swimming in them. I went in with a clear purpose and focus… get what makes YOU look great, don’t dwell on the size. This was the first real big shopping trip I had done in a year. The last time I shopped like this I was a size 1 from obsessive exercising and under-eating last summer. I didn’t know how it would go. So many thoughts were running through my head:

Would I regret not being the size that I was last summer? Would I hate myself for not being skinnier and end up running home to the kitchen cabinets, drowning my fears of being inadequate by bingeing? Would all my hard work go to waste when I ended up crying because a pair of jeans wouldn’t zip and I just positively could not STAND going up one more size?

Luckily I ended up not giving the sizes on the pants any value beyond silly numbers, I did not get worked up, and I recognized that I am actually much healthier looking now than I was last summer.

In fact, I was cleaning out my room this week and decided to throw out the last of my old clothes from last summer. It shocked me how small some of the things were. They looked like children’s clothes! Not something a 20 year old should be wearing. No room for hips or butt or breast… just a little stick. It’s a huge relief to know that the impossibly thin me is not something to desire or glorify. It was unhealthy and it was a major factor in my binge eating disorder and depression. I never want to look like that again, I’ll take a shapelier healthier happier figure over some boring pole any day!

Now, on to more frivolous topics…

I saw Julie & Julia today with my mom.

It was adorable! Meryl Streep did an outstanding job taking on the role of Julia Child, and Amy Adams was charming (as always). I loved seeing the two stories intertwined but never meeting. Taking a look into Julia Child’s personal life was really interesting, and Meryl Streep had some hilarious, laugh-out loud moments with the character. Plus, I just loved the absolute passion for food and cooking that the two stories had. I think that cooking is a beautiful form of expression and creativity, making something exquisite from individual ingredients that are rather bland or unappealing on their own. To think, that for years of my life I have stressed over food, restricted food, called it “good” or “bad” based on calories and fat grams, and did everything in my power to pick apart at one of the most pleasurable parts of our life. Food is love. Food is an experience. Food is beautiful. I will never be afraid of food again. Instead I will enjoy every bite of my life, as Julia Child did until she died at 91. (I think the cooking and the eating kept her going!)

In music, I’m currently obsessed with Kings of Leon. Love, love, love. Their new song “Use Somebody” is fantastic, but I really enjoy rocking out to “Sex on Fire” (both from their album Only By the Night)

I finished the books I was reading last week (Twilight and HP #1), and have since started New Moon, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and have acquired HP #2 but haven’t started. It was hard reading this week when I was busy, but I’m going to try to fit it in when I can because I really enjoy it! Here’s how I felt about my first two summer reads:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Even better than I remembered, J.K. Rowling does a marvelous job of combining suspense, adventure, humor, and magic. She takes care in creating her characters, bringing depth and dimensions to each and every one. She also is a genius for creating a wizard world with it’s own school, bank system, sporting games, vocabulary, etc. It’s so far removed from the human world, it’s almost unbelievable that one person could dream of all this. I can’t wait to read the rest!

Twilight

A fairly interesting storyline with intriguing characters, but poorly written and repetitious. The author used the same words over and over again (beautiful, incredulous, dazzling) and they quickly became trite and annoying. Bella is simply foolish, falling hard for a vampire and then wanting to devote her entire life to him while she barely even knows him, but she does have some endearing moments and a few good sarcastic remarks. Edward is the only reason why Stephanie Meyer should have gotten this book deal, she did a superb job of depicting a creature conflicted between love and nature, unsure of whether or not it can care for something it’s tempted to eat. Edward is the reason why I am continuing on with the series (plus I hear they get pretty steamy… and I bet vampire sex is a spectacle!) One major disappointment: the big showdown between Edward and the bad vampire James was NOT played out in the book! Bella gets thrown against a wall, blacks out, and wakes up in a hospital. WHAT?!?! If vampires are gonna unleash their deadly side, tell me about it! HUGE bummer.

After reading the book, I watched the movie Twilight. Horrible. I didn’t think the actors could really portray the roles well enough, the script seemed to be very messy and all over the place, leaving out key pieces of dialog and interactions that make the romance more plausible, and I thought that their attempt at artistic imagery actually made the movie look cheesy. I recommend the book over the movie, by far.

Plans on my agenda for the rest of the weekend? Well tonight I am going to read (if my tired eyes can manage), do some blog reading, and eat a juicy peach (been craving one all day). Tomorrow I am going shopping while everyone hits the beach (a good distraction from my medication induced skin sensitivity.) I plan on doing some major damage at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and Old Navy to name a few. A girl deserves rewards for working hard all summer! I’m hoping to hunt down a pair of white jeans (maybe with a little distressing detail), but I’m nervous about the pale skin/white jean combination. What do you all think? Can my pale skin pull off some rockin’ white denim?? Other things on the shopping list:

Feminine Dresses

Flirty Skirts

and Pretty Tops

Wish me luck with my shopping trip! Hopefully I’ll come home with tons of loot to tell you all about.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Take care and remember to eat with care. <3

Stepping Stones and Milestones

Hi everyone! Hope you had a wonderful week. I have.

I continue to do better with each day, slowly it becomes easier to look in the mirror, easier to judge myself in a fair and reasonable light, and easier to live life without focusing on food.

I started reading two books this week, which has helped tremendously with refocusing my attention away from food. I can sit and read for hours and not think about food. I’m reading Twilight (don’t hate me! my friend convinced me to read it) and I’m rereading Harry Potter from the first book because I only made it through the first four,  years and years ago. Twilight is pretty good, I think the storyline is intriguing and I love the chemistry between the two lead characters, but the author is awful. She uses the same words over and over again… it’s hard to not shake my head sometimes at how unoriginal she seems. Harry Potter is, of course, captivating. I’m at the part now where they just got sorted into houses and had their first day of classes… I’m so far behind! That must feel ancient to people who read all 7 books.

I’ve only been to the gym once this week, but I’m not overly concerned. I’m so busy on my feet 12 hours a week at the hospital and 20+ hours a week at the restaurant, that I feel like it makes up for some of my lack of gym. Last week I tried to go to the gym 4-5 times a week while doing my crazy schedule, and it led to me crashing and burning… feeling exhausted and eating way too much candy on my Friday night shift. This week, since I didn’t push myself 110% I did not crash and burn. I’m tired, yes, but my shift at work tonight came and went without too much candy consumption I realize now that pushing myself and ignoring my body is absurd and harmful. A work out is never as important as my sleep, my relationships with others, and my happiness.

Another realization this week: I need to stop telling my body how big or little it should be. How would my mind know better than my body? That’s one organ working against a beautiful, perfectly constructed, interconnecting system. That seems just silly. I need to see where my body natural falls with how I eat (now that I am only very rarely bingeing). I naturally eat a fairly balanced and nutritious diet, so wherever my body decides to stay-put is where it belongs. I know now, that if my superficial imaginary “perfect size” is lower than my natural weight I will have to restrict myself my entire life, and focus all of my attention on getting to that size and staying there. Doesn’t that sound like a miserable existence. Don’t you see? Acquiring some unnatural weight doesn’t set you up for  a happy, blissful life.. it sets you up to calorie count and be a slave to the scale for the rest of your life, always obsessing over every bite and every calorie burned. What I need to do is be happy with where I am, buy clothes for that size, and be comfortable with myself. You know what happens then? I will generally always fit into those clothes, I won’t have to worry whether or not my jeans will button or if it’s ice cream & sweatpants or lettuce & desperately chasing the “skinny” dress in my closet. I can just live! Put on the clothes, walk out the door, and not think about it again. Doesn’t that sound like a happy life?? Certainly happier than the other option.

I feel closer than ever to finally breaking through the size & number restraints and embracing myself for every beautiful imperfection that makes me who I am. I’ve also finally come to the conclusion that the weight I was at in the beginning of fall semester was VERY unhealthy for me, another big step. All fall semester I so painfully wanted to get back to that exact size, then in spring semester I thought it wasn’t possible anymore,  made up another silly number that I needed to get to, but I secretly felt remorse over my lost “skinny self”. When I look back now, I see that the body I had in the fall was the body of a 13 year old girl! Not a twenty year old woman. I shouldn’t look that way, and I no longer want to look that way. I am so very proud of how far I have come.

So yea, that’s where I’m at now. Doing well, doing well. Counting the days until I’m done working/volunteering and terribly excited for the new school year. Then something happened today that made me even more anxious to get back to school… I talked to this guy from my college. We met just one month before the end of the semester, but really hit it off. We have great chemistry, we both love to talk, love to eat, and are quite sarcastic. Right off the bat we were acting like we’d known each other for much longer, and we were completely comfortable with one another. We hadn’t talked all summer because he was really busy, but we finally got on the phone together today and talked for an hour and a half. The chemistry was still there… too bad he has a gf. But he doesn’t seem to think it’ll be lasting much longer (they’ve only been together for a few months). I would never EVER pursue anything with him unless he was 100% single, if he stays with the gf that’s great because it means she’s a wonderful girl… but if things don’t work out, I wouldn’t be heart broken either, . We’ll see how things go, time will only tell, but he’s one reason to look forward to this semester. I honestly think it will be my best one yet. And… if we had such great chemistry when I was down and in a funk, I can’t even imagine what we’ll be like now that my true self is starting to shine again.

BUT, in the meantime, I have 25 more days and although I wish they would just pass in a heartbeat, I also know that every single day I have before I leave is another day to improve myself (mentally, NOT another day to lose weight… like so many summers in the past), another day to become stronger, more self-assured, and more prepared for another year.

I’m really feeling optimistic everyone. I’m not bluffing! It feels SO much better than being insecure. Why didn’t I find this out sooner?

Knock Knock, Who’s There?

Me! It’s been a week now?! (A little more actually) Feels like this blog absence has been sooo much longer! Here’s a recap and an explanation:

1. My dad is OK! He’s home, gets fluids from a bag that he wheels around w/ him for 8 hours a day. He went to NYC last week to meet with a carcinoid tumor expert and it was VERY encouraging. We’re getting a follow-up sometime this week. He does however have a blood clot that is leading to a nasty swollen foot/leg situation. That was bad, but now his other foot is swollen?!? Oh dear, this man NEVER catches a break! We’ll be calling the doctor on Monday to inform him of this new swollen predicament. But he really is doing a lot better.
2. I am OK. My week spent blog-free was NOT because I went on a crazy, manic, bingeing spree. I’ve been doing fairly well for the most part. No big tailspins or freak outs.
3. I am, however, crazy busy! This week was my first week volunteering at the hospital. I did 12 hours (4 hour shifts M/W/F) on top of 23 hours at work, and will continue to follow this schedule for the next three weeks. It could, quite possibly, kill me, but I gotta do it! This girl’s got a lot of goals to meet, and getting this volunteering gig is going to be a HUGE advantage on my resume so I just have to keep my eye on the prize!

This week was BEYOND exhausting and quite stressful.. the two emotions that send me straight to bingeing. I faired well until Friday, but on Friday I kind of fell apart a bit. After a few days of not adequately fueling my body for all the work it was doing I was hitting a breaking point. However, instead of resting like I should have, on Friday I decided to go to the gym in between my 4 hours at the hospital and 5 hours at the restaurant. Bad idea! I should have listened to my body. I didn’t enjoy my workout AT ALL, I didn’t leave myself enough time to eat dinner so I ended up bringing it into the kitchen and sneaking quick bites when I could (talk about rushing through a meal and not enjoying it!), and I snacked on a LOT of candy to get me through the night. When I came home I ate a little more, but I did not binge. Woohoo! It was a tough way to end my week, but I didn’t let it totally get me down and I didn’t fall prey to my bingeing thoughts, even though they seemed so damn tempting at the time.

Needless to say, between 12 hours at the hospital, 20+ hours at the restaurant, 4-5 workouts per week, and having some sort of life there doesn’t seem to be much time for blogging in the month ahead. I’m not going to stop my blog, because I could very well decide tomorrow that I feel like blogging nonstop again! But, I’ll probably only be able to post every couple of days now (not a perfect blog, but doesn’t that kind of fit with the theme? ) I also won’t be taking pictures of everything I eat because there’s just not enough time! But if I make something fantastic, you better believe I’ll document it so I can make you drool all over your keyboard!

Another reason to not take pictures of all my food is that I want my blog to reflect the journey I am trying to take in my own life, and it includes giving food the attention is deserves, no more. Food is one component of my life. It is not my life, and my food choices are NOT the biggest reflection of who I am (can you say mental progress?! Yay!) So I’m really going to spend more time talking about how I’m doing emotion wise/self-esteem wise and mention food in an appropriate manor, as a delicious little tidbit of my day… not the main focus. I’m kind of excited about it! I personally love reading food blogs, but for me.. writing a blog is going to help me if it’s NOT a food blog but more of a ME blog, and honey… I have so much more to offer than the food on my plate and a number on a scale!

What can you look forward to seeing in the future on the blog?

• Fashion. I kind of love it. My wardrobe doesn’t exactly express it at the moment (that old ED dilemma- can’t buy clothes until you fit into “x” size..) But I really think that fashion is a beautiful, unique form of expression and I’d like to share this side of me.
• Music. Music is such an important part of my life, so I may just consider sharing recent music obsessions when something strikes me as being fantastic.
• Random ranting. Not of the negative sort, just taking a certain emotion that I feel on a particular day, or a memory and running with it. Expressing myself through exploration, and maybe coming to realizations that could help not only me, but others.
• FUN! I’m a really fun person (not to toot my own horn!) and I want my blog to reflect how silly and quirky I can be. Especially with school right around the corner, there should be plenty of fun stories to tell and PICTURES even?! (Reveal to the blog world my face! That would be brand spankin’ new)

Speaking of fun, bingeing, emotional eating, and food/diet obsession is a serious fun-sucker! Sucks it right out of your life. Looking back on Sophomore year of college, I didn’t have much fun at all. My eating disorder stripped me of so much. I’m naturally a very fun, charismatic, charming, entertaining, social person.. and that’s only now starting to come back. All sophomore year I hid in my dorm alone, feared any sort of attention, cringed at the thought of going out and seeing people, and had near-panic attacks when in crowded places. My eating disorder completely crippled me, and left meerly a shadow of the beautiful, unique girl that it had ripped into. Do you feel the same way? Do you feel changed by your obsession with food or your self-destructive behavior (whatever form it may come in)? If so, I’ve been there, and it is hard! So few people understand. There’s nothing more troublesome than feeling like you are deprived of the most very important thing in the world, you. Please, please, please.. do NOT turn into a shadow! Reach out, get help, seek support and try your darn-dest to LIVE again.

I recently met up with some friends from school, and today I was discussing this same realization with one of my best friends, Brendan. As I told him about how much my depression had changed me and looking back, now that I have gotten past the toughest parts, I see now how I lived the life of someone else for a year he said something so simple, but it sort of struck me. He said, “Yea, it was nice seeing you skipping at the park”. I never skipped when I was depressed! That’s like a metaphor for the bigger picture… I never lived, I never smiled, I never ENJOYED my life while it was consumed by disordered eating and self hatred. Now my friends are starting to see the old me come back. They’re loving it, I’m loving it. I deserve to skip, damnit!  I deserve to build relationships and get attention and express myself. I deserve so much, and so do you! Don’t let the ED voice hold you down. When ED is nagging you, put some ne it out, baby! You can’t be hurt by it if you refuse to listen! If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. If the ED voice strikes but you pay it no attention, does it still make an impact? NO!

..Look at that, no recounting of meals or pictures of foods, but this may be one of my favorite blog posts yet! It appears that my blog has a bright future. Keep coming back and I’ll try to keep entertaining, informing, and encouraging you.

Until next time,

Peace, Love, but Please no Perfection.

No Catchy Post Title

Hey everyone! Please excuse the post title– I just couldn’t think of anything! And sorry that my blogging has been a little rough this past week, it’s been a hard one. My dad’s still in the hospital and I’ve had some difficulty coping with that, and unfortunately I did a lot of emotional eating this week.

A.M.

This morning I set my alarm from 10 am to go to the gym, but I felt exhausted when my alarm went off and decided that sleep was more important. I wish I had exercised more this week, but at the same time I am happy that I no longer deal with guilt over missing the gym or an obsession with exercising.

I got out of bed at 10:45 and was not hungry for breakfast. The emotional overeating this week led to what felt like a big heavy rock in my stomach. That only promoted more emotional eating, because even if I ate healthy, that heavy rock was in my stomach and I didn’t feel any better, so I felt no point in not eating. It’s gotten better since, but it’s still not completely gone.

Early P.M.

At 12pm I finally went into the kitchen to put together a meal. I made a fajita w/ tempeh, green bell pepper, onion, broccoli, and salsa in a stone-ground whole wheat tortilla.

Delicious

I didn’t do anything really productive this afternoon, other than pack for my trip to New York this weekend! Can’t wait to see my girls from school. Summer is too long and I can’t wait till the end of August! Both the girls are vegetarians, so I’ll have no problem eating vegan all weekend, which puts me at ease. The problems from last weekend won’t happen again this time because the vegan thing won’t be so foreign to the people I’m hanging out with.

At 4:30pm I had dinner: grilled tempeh, tomato, and hummus on toasted sprouted grain bread, green grapes, a small pickle, and vegan potato salad. Yumm. The potato salad was from Art Night, made with Vidalia Onion dressing instead of mayo. SO good. The potato salad already had red onion and bell pepper in it but I threw in extra orange bell pepper.

Late P.M.

Work was boring tonight. I was there from 5pm-9:40pm, not bad. I was able to avoid snacking (aside from eating the equivalents of 1/4 oreo and 1/4 of an individual kit kat stick). Not a biggie. When I got home I ate:

Shredded Oats & Frozen Pineapple

Not pictured: two spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar. I felt pretty good about today, finally kinda reigned in the eating.

I’m a little nervous about tomorrow, I hate driving and HATE driving to new places. I often end up panicing and crying, no lie. It causes insane anxiety. The trip tomorrow seems pretty easy, so hopefully I’ll get there with no problem, but I can mess up even the simplest of directions. Wish me luck! I’ll be posting a wrap up on Sunday!

Getting to Know You

A little survey action so you all can get to know me better? Sounded like a good idea to me!

FAVORITE:

1. color? red
2. Food? ((how do you choose?!)) tempeh in everything?
3. sport? does Zumba count?
4. kind of vehicle? Ford Focus
5. Smell? salt water, cinnamon
6. Brand of shoes? Steve Madden if I didn’t hate the thought of spending money on shoes!
7. Movie? The Notebook, The Dark Knight, The Sex and the City Movie
8. book? Pride and Prejudice, Candide, Withering Heights
9. animal? our cat Tillie
10. band/singer? Incubus, but I’m obsessed with Lady GaGa at the moment
11. song? Wish You Were Here-Incubus, reminds me of home
12. music video? Here We Go Again- OK Go
13. quotes: “But what if you miss the firework spectacular?”
14. Gum? 5
15. Nail polish color? I don’t really do nail polish, but something dark
16. school subject? in high school: math, in particular AP Calculus
17. teacher? Professor Edwards
18. number? 7
19. lip gloss flavor? i don’t like my glosses to be flavored
20. midnight snack? dry cereal
21. holiday? Christmas
22. month? July
23. year that you were alive? definitely not this past year. Maybe senior year of high school?
24. season? summer or fall
25. shampoo? at the moment: Herbal Essence- Degunkify
26. candy bar? Snickers
27. candy? chick-o-sticks?
28. soda? don’t really like soda
29. tv show? Sex and the City, Bravo trashy reality TV shows
30. hobby? theater, cooking
31. cartoon character? the Rugrats characters
32. clothing brand: Forever 21 because they’re cheap!
33. basketball team: none
34. hockey team: none
35. athlete? Michael Phelps? hot. from the chin down
36. flower? anything bright and pretty!
37. tree? Palm trees!
38. kind of coumputer? my laptop
39. vacation spot? anywhere with a gorgeous beach
40. color to write in? black
41. body spray/perfume? Pure Seduction from Victoria’s Secret
41. fruit? umm all?! strawberries, frozen grapes, blackberries
42. vegetable? bell peppers and broccoli
43. Icecream: mint chocolate chip
47. word: dipsomaniac
48. drink? water

Happy Belated Birthday Post

Yesterday, yours truly, turned the big twenty. It was a pretty anti-climactic birthday. Nothing’s really different between 19 and 20,maybe in a couple days it will sink in that I am now in my twenties. But until then, I feel the same as always. So let’s do a rundown of the big old birthday.

A.M.

My mom woke me up at 7am to wish me a happy birthday. It was a nice gesture but I had SUCH a hard time getting back to sleep afterwards! I had a stomach ache from my sugar binge the night before. I barely slept all morning, then I got up at like 9:30-10ish. I had a late breakfast at 11am, Kashi Go Lean Crunch, slivered almonds, 1/2 banana, blueberries, and goji berries with unsweetened soy milk. It was a really delicious birthday breakfast bowl.

Early P.M.

I had work from 12-5pm. All the people at the restaurant thought I was crazy for working on my birthday, but I requested off Friday for my birthday trip this weekend so I didn’t want to lose out on too many hours. It was a really easy shift, not too busy, but it went by pretty fast. The perfect balance. I had NO interest in the candy because my stomach was in pain all afternoon from the night before. I packed a bunch of snacks to eat during work: a larabar, dried apricots, 1/4 c edamame + 6 almonds, and whole grain crackers. However, my lack of appetite meant I only ended up eating the edamame, almonds, and crackers. At 5pm I left work and headed straight home to shower and get dressed.

Late P.M.

Then the birthday festivities began. First we went to the hospital to visit my dad. He was getting fluids pumped into him,so he was a little more lively. However he ate breakfast and lunch, but then ended up throwing it up at 6pm. I’m pretty sure he probably didn’t eat dinner after that. So still, no food in him. Sort of frustrating. But we did get some good news: my dad’s doctor is going to contact a doctor in NYC who is not only an expert in carcinoid tumor, but a specialist on carcinoid tumor of the pancreas in particular. Maybe he’ll have some new answers for us? At the hospital I got my birthday presents: a new digital camera (yes! I’ve been seriously hating on my camera for months now, so happy I got a new one), a book, and a $50 gift certificate for a massage. My mom did a good job!

By the time we left the hospital it was 7:30pm. I still hadn’t eaten anything since my edamame/cracker “lunch”, and I still had no appetite, but that didn’t matter because we were going to a vegetarian/vegan restaurant! The second I sat down and looked at the menu, my appetite went through the roof. I had eaten there before at lunch time but I never got to eat off the dinner menu. I had cornmeal crusted tempeh with vegetables, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

This was yummy! I could definitely tell the mashed potatoes had lots of earth balance in them! So buttery and delicious, not something I would make for myself at home because I like to keep things a little healthier than that, but on my bday it was a hit! The cornmeal crusted tempeh was a knock out. So crispy and delicious. A little dry, but the gravy was spectacular so I just poured that all over the mashed potatoes and the tempeh and that problem was solved. It was certainly not something I would be able to make for myself at home on any old Tuesday, it was a real treat. Plus, it was so nice going to a restaurant and not having to order a salad or have to ask for substitutions or for ingredients to be held. I just got to place my order and it came to be in all it’s vegan perfection.

After dinner my mom dropped me off at my friend Anna’s house where Anna, Rob, and Rob’s girlfriend (who was visiting from Georgia) were waiting for me. Anna and Rob are my best friends, and Rob’s girlfriend just fits in so well with us. We were having a fabulous time sitting around and laughing. We celebrated my birthday with smore’s and champagne by the fire in her backyard. We’re classy bitches! I had two glasses of champagne, 3 smores, and 2 extra sheets of graham crackers. It was the perfect way to end my birthday.

I got home and did NOT binge! Woo! Finally yesterday felt normal. I couldn’t completely enjoy that because my stomach pain and bloat made me feel like crap, but I kept reminding myself that it was the previous day’s problem. I ate perfectly fine on my birthday. I felt STUFFED at the end of my night, but that’s because I had the majority of my calories after 8pm. However, I ate barely anything before 8am and worked on my feet for 5 hours, so I think it all balanced out to a perfectly fine food day.

Wait, that’s an understatement… a perfectly freakin’ delicious food day!